Lady,
Be Good!
by George and Ira Gershwin
Act I
Act II
ACT I
Scene 1
Sidewalk in front of the old Trevor homestead,
Beacon Hill, Rhode Island. It is about 8:00 a.m.
Dick
What do you mean by turning us out like this?
My sister is sick in bed.
Man
Your sister always gets sick
when anyone comes to collect the rent.
Susie
All right, but if you bring me out here
and I die from exposure and de-hydration,
don’t hold me responsible.
Man
Sorry, Miss Trevor,
landlord’s orders.
Susie
Well, this is a fine mess.
Dick
Think of that old shark having us
thrown out because the rent
is a mere eighteen months overdue.
It’s outrageous!
Susie
It’s preposterous! Say, Dickie,
I wish you’d try to get a Job.
Dick
Don’t you think I haven’t tried?
Aw…cheer up, Sis.
It’s no use crying over spilt milk.
Susie
I am Not crying! Heck, it’ll be fun, living on a sidewalk.
This can be my room here and we’ll make that the library over there.
Where the nice reading lamp is.
Dick
Sure!! It’s going to be all right, Sis!
There’s one thing we know we’re not going to be short of.
Susie
What?
Dick
Ventilation.
HANG ON TO ME
Dick
Trouble may hound us,
Shadow surround us,
Never mind my dear.
Don’t get downhearted;
When we get started,
They will disappear.
Listen to brother:
While we’ve each other,
There’s no need to fear,
For like hansel and gretel,
We will prove our mettle.
If you hang on to me
While i hang on to you,
We’ll dance into the sunshine out of the rain.
(forever and a day)
Susie
Don’t sigh, we’ll get along;
Just trey humming a song,
And my! Soon we will hear the bluebirds again.
Dick
That’s right! Hold tight!
We’re on our way!
Susie
Uphill, until
Both
We lose the shadows.
If you hang on to me,
While i hang on to you,
We’ll dance into the sunshine out of the rain.
PoliceMan
Hey, what’s the idea of all this?
Susie
You’re just the Man I want to see.
Would you mind taking out that lamppost bulb
and screwing in this little whosis?
PoliceMan
Why, you know I can’t do anything
like that, Miss Trevor.
Susie
Very well, then, I can! Now,
we’ll have current and no "current" expense.
Dick
That’s right! Hold tight!
We’re on our way!
Susie
Uphill, until
Both
We lose the shadows.
If you hang on to me,
While i hang on to you,
We’ll dance into the sunshine…
(Explosion)
PoliceMan
(Scratching his head)
Well, I guess the best thing for me
to do is go along my beat.
Susie
That’s what I say. Beat it.
Susie
Dickie, I’ve an idea! Why not call Watty Watkins?
They say he’s the smartest lawyer in town.
Dick
Or the crookedest!
Susie
Dickie, I swear…
Dick
Ok! Ok! I’ll try anything once!
Susie
Excuse me, this seat is taken.
Jack
Oh, sorry! Hello, little girl.
Have you been crying?
Is there anything I can do?
Susie
Yes. Lend me a handkerchief.
Jack
Moving, eh? Which way…
coming or going?
Susie
Neither, it’s staying.
We’ve just been thrown out.
Jack
You and your husband?
Susie
No, me and my brother.
You see, we’re orphans and nobody loves us
and the whole world’s against us.
Jack
Gee, that’s a tough break.
I’m awfully sorry.
Susie
Oh, it’s going to be all right, I guess.
My brother’s just gone to telephone our legal advisor.
You know, your handkerchief smells like hay.
Jack
I slept in a stable last night.
Susie
You’re a hobo!
Jack
Yep, I’m a hobo!
Susie
Then I suppose you pinched this handkerchief
off somebody’s clothes line.
Jack
No. That’s my pet vanity.
I must have a nice,
clean handkerchief however worn
and shabby my suit may be.
Susie
Well, your suit wouldn’t look so bad
if that tear was mended.
Jack
Oh, does it show?
Susie
Does it show? Wait, I’ll sew it for you.
Jack
I tore it hopping off the back of a freight train.
Susie
You know, I don’t remember having seen you before.
You’re a stranger, aren’t you?
Jack
Yes, I’m strolling through
on my way from Mexico.
Susie
You’re some walker, aren’t you?
Jack
Ouch!
Susie
Oh, I’m sorry. I stuck you, didn’t I?
Jack
That’s all right. Don’t mention it.
Susie
And how much further have you got to go?
Jack
Eastern Harbor…that’s my home.
Susie
Eastern Harbor? I know a lot of people
in Eastern Harbor.
Jack
Ouch!
Susie
Oh heck! I’m so sorry.
Jack
It’s quite all right, really.
But remember…you’re sewing, not tattooing!
Well, I guess I’d better get home
and try to forget the last thing my uncle said to me.
Susie
What was that?
Jack
Get out and stay out.
Susie
There! I guess that’ll hold for a while.
Jack
Hey!
Susie
Uh-oh! I think I must have sewn
your coat to your trousers.
Jack
You think you did? I know you did.
But you know it’s not a bad idea.
It’ll keep me from getting my suits mixed.
As long as you haven’t sewn them to my…
er…the other things. Nope…all is well!
Jack
Thanks for being so human.
Susie
You’re welcome.
Jack
Well, I hate to go but I must be
looking up a freight train.
Susie
Is that what they call "riding the rods?"
Jack
Very good!
We hoboes have a language all our own.
Susie
I must learn.
‘Cause if you’re a hobo, I’m a hoboess.
Jack
You know that sounds rather nice.
I’ve often thought how nice a hobo’s life would be
if he only had someone to share it with.
Susie
Yes, no rotten old responsibilities.
Jack
And a nice warm hayloft every night.
Susie
Yes, it would be lots better
than sleeping on the sidewalk.
Jack
Yes, I suppose it would.
Well, I guess I’d better be getting along.
Susie
Must you? Good-bye, then.
Jack
Good-bye, gee, that’s the worst word
in the language, isn’t it?
Susie
See you later…is that better?
Jack
Ever so much better.
I’ll see you later.
Dick
Say, Susie! I just had
Watty Watkins on the telephone.
Susie
You did? What did he say?
Dick
He said he knows of someone
who might have some influence
with the old sap of a landlord.
Susie
Good!
Dick
Tonight’s Josephine
Vanderwater’s big garden party, isn’t it?
Susie
What about it?
Dick
Well, we’re going there
and I’m going to propose to Jo.
Susie
Don’t talk such nonsense.
You’re in love with Shirley Vernon,
aren’t you?
Dick
Of course I am. Shirley’s a peach…
but I’m broke and Shirley’s poor,
so what good’ll I ever be to her?
Susie
Don’t be silly! But you’re right…
we’d better go to her party.
Otherwise we shan’t get anything to eat today.
Dick
Yes, and we’ll be hungry by then, too.
Susie
I’m starving now!
Susie
Oh, Dickie! It’s going to rain!
Dick
With our luck it’ll snow!
Susie
Well, whatever it does, remember,
we must try and be positive.
Dick
It’ll be all right, Susie,
I’ll take care of you.
Dick
That’s right! Hold tight!
We’re on our way!
Susie
Uphill, until
Both
We lose the shadows.
If you hang on to me,
While i hang on to you,
We’ll dance into the sunshine…
Both
Forever and a day,
We’ll make december may,
That’s all i’ve got to say!
Scene 2
Representing the outside of the Vanderwater Estate.
A WONDERFUL PARTY
Chorus
Oh, what a lovely party
This is going to be!
This sort of party
Always appeals to me.
I’m looking forward to
A night of pleasure
As we go dancing through
Each raggy measure.
Oh, what a lovely party!
Everyone will be there!
They say this party
Is to be some affair.
(enter Watty watkins.)
Watty
Good evening, tell me do…
Is this the way in?
Flunkey
Good evening, sir, to you…
This is the way in.
Chorus
Sounds like our entrance cue…
Let’s start to stray in.
Oh, what a lovely party
This is going to be!
This kind of party
Always appeals to me.
Dick
Hello, Slim.
Flunkey
Good evening, Mr. Trevor,
Miss Trevor.
Susie
Tell me…is this going to be a regular supper tonight?
Or just hand-me-outs?
Flunkey
Cakes and sandwiches, Miss.
Susie
Cakes and sandwiches. Say,
couldn’t you throw in a couple of steaks,
some fried onions, and a vegetable or two?
Dick
Don’t be silly…hand-me-outs are better.
Susie
Better?
Dick
Sure! This way we’ll get something to eat soon.
The supper wouldn’t come along till twelve o’clock.
Jack
Is this the Vanderwater party?
Flunkey
It is.
Jack
I’ve got something to deliver.
Jack
Which way is the refreshment tent?
Flunkey
Up there…see?
Jack
Thanks.
Scene 3
Josephine Vanderwater’s garden. Night.
THE END OF A STRING
Girls
Love is a gamble
If you scramble
For the very first Man who comes along.
Don’t be a flutter;
Bread your butter ;
For the very first Man who comes along.
A chance for roMance is meager,
When a maiden is too eager;
She may lose the first big leaguer
Falling for the first Man who comes along.
The proper angle
Is to let them dangle,
Is to let them dangle on a string:
And have a-plenty,
Really ten or twenty,
Really ten or twenty is the thing.
But here tonight, with the moon so bright,
And the music in the air,
I very much fear, the first cavalier
Can win this lady fair.
Boys
Love is a gamble
If you scramble
But we’ll take the first girl who comes along.
We’ll do our duty
To each cutie
And we’ll take the first girl who comes along.
On with the dancing,
Flirting and roMancing,
Flirting and roMancing so sublime;
Let’s throw all care off
And begin to pair off,
And begin to pair off…now’s the time.
Girls and Boys
Someone waits for me, wonder who he (she) will be
On the end of a string.
Maybe fred or ned, teddy or jed,
(maybe flo or Jo, chloe or zoe)
On the end of a string.
If full of pep, he’ll (she’ll) find a partner in me;
I want to step and step until it’s way after three.
Someone waits for me, wonder who he (she) will be
On the end of my string.
Jo
Hello, everybody!
Daisy
Hello, Jo! This is a great party!
Jo
Why, Daisy Parke!
Who’ve you got on your line?
Daisy
Bertie Bassett.
Jo
Bertie Bassett! Who invited him here?
Daisy
I’m afraid I’m the guilty party, Jo.
Jo
Daisy Parke! I’m surprised at you!
Daisy
I’m trying to be a good influence in his life.
I admit he’s a pretty desperate case.
Jo
The last time I saw him he had reached
the stage where he was seeing pink snakes
and mice and things.
Daisy
I think there’s something wrong
with the poor boy’s eyes.
But he’s getting better…
Bertie
I say, Daisy, about this punch…
Jo
What about the punch, Mr. Bassett?
Bertie
Well, of course, I know it’s gasoline…
but what have you put in it?
Jo
I see he’s drinking just as badly as ever.
Really, this is intolerable!
Daisy
Oh, Bertie! And you promised me if
I brought you to this party you would behave yourself.
Bertie
Behave?
Daisy
And you said you wanted me to help you to reform.
Bertie
I do, duckie, I do.
But I don’t want to reform too darned fast.
It might make you lose interest if there wasn’t
something about me for you to pick on.
Daisy
Don’t worry, I’ll always find something,
and believe me, reforming you is going
to be a lifelong Job.
Bertie
And as long as you keep working at it,
I’ll know that you love me.
Daisy
Bertie!
WE’RE HERE BECAUSE
Daisy
Philosophers the whole world over often put this query:
"why are we here?"
But none of them have found the answer to the question,
Dearie
"why are we here?"
And so why others occupy this planet i’ve not learned;
But oh, my heart informs me that where we’re concerned…
We’re here, we’re here, we’re here because
I love you and because you love me.
It’s plain to see, it’s clear as can be…
We’re here because, we’re here because
My dear, my dear, my dear, because i’m made for you
And you’re made for me.
Every time we are together,
This is the thought that thrills me through…
We’re here, we’re here, we’re here because
You love me and because i love you.
Bertie
Now though you know that i agree with you, dear, on your
Viewpoint,
Why we are here.
There’s something i would like to add, it’s just another
New point,
Why we are here.
And so if you’ll permit me, darling, i’d be overjoyed
To psycho-analyze the question a la freud:
We’re here, we’re here, we’re here because
I love you and because you love me.
We’re here because there’s nobody near,
And so you know there’s naught to fear
If you should try to cuddle close and maybe steal
A kiss…or maybe two.
When you’re obeying that impulse,
Tell me, dear, don’t you agree with me,
We’re here, we’re here, we’re here because
I love you and because you love me.
Jo
Why, Mr. Watkins…what a surprise.
Watty
Ah, good evening, Josephine, good evening.
I hope you don’t think I’m trying to horn in on your party.
Of course, I’ve been a party-goer all my life,
but on this particular occasion
I did not come to see the pretty girls,
I came to see you. Oh, that’s wrong, isn’t it?
What I meant to say was, (in Jo’s voice )
"Won’t you sit down Mr. Watkins?"
(In his own voice )
Thank you, I will. Would you care to join me?
(She sits.)
Jo, I’m trying to scatter a
little sunshine and sweetness!
Jo
Ah, someone needs help.
Watty
You’re right, dear. Someone needs help.
I’m referring to the two Trevor children,
Richard and his sister, Susie.
Jo
What about them?
Watty
What about them? Why, they’ve lost all their money!
But, Miss Vanderwater, you can help them!
That old crab…pardon me, I mean that sweet old gentleman,
your uncle…he’s turned them out of their home
and they are now living on a sidewalk.
Jo
And what do you want me to do?
Watty
Why, speak to your uncle, of course.
Jo
Mr. Watkins, it so happens that I advised
my uncle to turn the Trevors out of their home.
Watty
You advised…
Jo
You see, I’m very fond of Dickie Trevor.
Watty
My ears are up like a rabbit.
Jo
I’m in love with Dickie Trevor,
but I can’t get him to propose to me,
so I thought…
Watty
You thought if the boy were penniless
he would become mercenary
and think of your bankroll, and come and propose.
You are a very clever woMan, Jo.
I can’t understand why that silly boy wouldn’t propose to you.
Heaven knows you are attractive.
Jo
Oh, Mr. Watkins.
Watty
Oh, yes, you are. You know you are.
Jo
I’ve had a dozen proposals.
Watty
You can make it thirteen any time you like.
Jo
But I can’t seem to make any effect
on the only man I want. I’ve tried everything.
Watty
My God, woman, everything?
Jo, I would like to help you socially.
We are not apt to be disturbed, are we? Good.
Now tell me, Jo, how do you act
when you are alone with the boy?
Jo
It seems so silly.
Watty
Nonsense. Tell me, what did you say to Richard
the last time you met him?
Jo
I said, "Dickie, I had a dream about you last night.
I dreamt that you proposed to me."
Watty
Not bad but you want to give it more pash, like this:
Richard, I had a dream about you last night.
I dreamt that you proposed to me.
You were holding me in your arms,
you were smothering my face with kisses,
you looked into my eyes and you said…oh, I can’t tell you.
Jo
And you think if I did it that way
it would make a difference?
Watty
Absolutely.
Jo
All right, I’ll try it.
Watty
Just remember: not too ritzy…a little blasé...
Just act your age, sister, act your age.
Here I come. I’m Richard.
Jo
Richard.
Watty
Good evening.
Jo
Richard I had a dream about you last night.
I dreamt you were holding me in your arms.
Watty
Like this?
Jo
You were smothering my face in kisses.
Watty
Like this?
Jo
Oh, Mr. Watkins.
Watty
Call me Watty.
Jo
And you said…
Watty
Yes?
Jo
You said…Oh, I can’t tell you.
Watty
You’ve got your little Watty, he’s yours,
don’t be bashful. Look into my eyes, Jo.
Kiss me.
Susie
Can you tell me where the bowling alley is?
Flunkey
The bowling alley is off that way.
Susie
Off that way?
Flunkey
Yes, Miss.
Dick
These sandwiches are fine!
Susie
So’s this cake!
Shirley
Hello Dick.
Shirley
I only just got your note, Susie.
Is it true that you’ve been dispossessed?
Susie
Yes…but we don’t mind
a bit…do we, Dick?
Shirley
I’ll go and talk to mother.
Maybe we can figure out
some way to help you.
Dick
Thanks, but I Can’t take help
from you, Shirley.
Shirley
Oh, I must try to do something.
Dick
That’s awfully nice of you, Shirley.
Thanks ever so much.
Shirley
You know I’d do anything
in the world for Susie…and you.
Susie
Isn’t she nice.
Dick
I’m crazy about her.
Susie
She’s crazy about you, too.
And if you haven’t sense enough to propose
to her I’ll do it for you.
Dick
Now don’t start butting in
and messing things up…
Susie
It’s only because
I love you, you sap…
Dick
Who’s a sap? I’ve told you I’m going
to get you out of this mess…
Susie
And into a worse one if I know you…
Dick
Oh, shut up…
Susie
Why I oughta…
Jeff
Now, Mr. Trevor, you shouldn’t speak
to your sister like that.
Susie
He can speak to me any way he likes, Jeff White.
What are you doing here, any way?
Jeff
Oh, I just found this kidney
with a neck on it and I…
Susie
Well, you just play with your little kidney.
You were hired to entertain the guests…
so hop to it!
Dick
That’s right. This is a private fight
and outsiders are not welcome.
Jeff
Excuse me!
FASCINATING RHYTHM
Jeff
Got a little rhythm, a rhythm, a rhythm,
That pit-a-pats through my brain,
So darn persistent, the day isn’t distant
When it’ll drive me insane.
Comes in the morning, without any warning,
And hangs around me all day.
I’ll have to sneak up to it
Someday, and speak up to it.
I hope it listens when i say:
Fascinating rhythm,
You’ve got me on the go!
Fascinating rhythm,
I’m all a-quiver.
What a mess you’re making!
The neighbors want to know
Why i’m always shaking just like a flivver.
Each morning i wake up with the sun…
Start a-hopping,
Never stopping…
To find at night no work has been done.
I know that
Once it didn’t matter…
But now you’re doing wrong;
When you start to patter
I’m so unhappy.
Won’t you take the day off?
Decide to run along
Somewhere far away off…
And make it snappy!
Oh, how i long to be the Man i used to be!
Fascinating rhythm,
Oh won’t you stop picking on me?
Shirley
What are you doing there?
Jack
Good evening.
Shirley
I saw you sneak in.
Jack
I was afraid I wouldn’t get in the front door.
I’m not quite dressed for the party.
I’m looking for a girl.
Shirley
What’s her name?
Jack
I don’t know. But the Policeman
at her house told me she’d come here.
Shirley
Where does she live?
Jack
On a sidewalk.
Shirley
Oh! You mean Susie Trevor!
She’s a great friend of mine
and her brother is the nicest boy–
Jack
Excuse me, but I’ve only got
ten minutes to talk to her.
Shirley
Then I’d better go and find her for you.
Jack
That’s awfully kind of you.
Jack
Bertie?
Bertie
Why if it isn’t…surely? Yes,
it must be…Jack Robinson!
Bertie
Where have you been all this time?
Jack
Mostly Mexico.
Bertie
I surmise from your appearance
that the Robinson fortunes
are not exactly blooming?
Jack
No. I have a rich, cranky old uncle
who I hope will leave me in better
shape than you find me.
Bertie
Well, if a tenner would help…
Jack
That’s darned good of you. But no…
I just stopped by for a word
with a peach of a girl I met this morning.
Bertie
You know, I’ve got a girl around here somewhere.
I think I’ll go tread a measure, or acre,
with my Daisy. Acre…Daisy…
nature reference, you see!
Ha, ha! Hello!
Susie
My hobo!
Jack
Hoboess!
Susie
And you’ve got a job!
Jack
Just for the moment. It was the only way
I could figure to get in and see you again.
Susie
I thought you’d be in Eastern Harbor by now.
Jack
I got to thinking after we parted about the hard luck
you were having and I brought you this.
(Hands her a rabbit’s foot. )
Susie
A rabbit’s foot!
Jack
As you’ve been having such bad luck,
I thought, maybe you’d like it.
Susie
No offense, but if itšs going to bring me
the sort of luck it’s brought you, I don’t want it.
Jack
You don’t realize how much worse
my luck would have been if I hadn’t had it.
Down in Mexico some people pushed me
over a cliff but I kept hitting branches
and bushes and ended up in a nice, soft tree.
Susie
I’m glad that tree was there.
Jack
And then it brought me
to your sidewalk this morning.
Susie
Well, now that you’ve found the way,
you must come again some time.
Jack
Good! When do you want me to?
Susie
Maybe we could meet tomorrow.
What are you doing for breakfast?
Jack
Starving. And you?
Susie
The same.
Jack
Anyway, I can’t. My freight car leaves
for Eastern Harbor in twenty minutes.
Susie
Does that mean we won’t see
each other again for a long time?
Jack
Don’t be silly. Freight trains run in both directions.
But say, won’t you do me a favor while I’m gone?
Susie
I’d love to.
Jack
Will you try and not forget me?
Susie
I’ll try awfully hard.
SO AM I
Jack
Just before i go,
I’d like to know
If maybe now and then
you’ll give a thought to me.
Susie
Yes, I think I can…
In fact, I plan
To keep you in a corner of my memory.
It won’t be hard to think of you each day,
But i’m afraid when you are far away
Maybe you’ll grow fond
Of something blonde…
Jack
No, that will never, never be.
Jack
Leaving you, me oh my!
I am blue…
Susie
So amI.
Jack
When I leave…
Susie
Will you sigh?
Jack
I shall grieve.
Susie
So shall I.
Both
Isn’t it just wonderful how we agree!
Plain to see it’s not a case of you for you…
me for me.
Jack
Hope we meet by-and-by.
Susie
Funny thing…so do I.
Jack
I am poor…me oh my!
Susie
That’s all right…so am I.
Jack
Cross my heart, hope to die…
Feel a thrill…
Susie
So do I.
Both
Isn’t it just wonderful how we agree!
Makes me feel that maybe
I was meant for you, you for me.
Jack
How i hate this good-bye…
Susie
Funny thing, so do I.
Jack
I’m in love, how I sigh…
Susie
Don’t be sil…so am I.
THE MAN I LOVE
Music on the way
Watty
Oh mommy…
Estrada
Señor Watkeens!
Watty
Coming, sir, coming.
Estrada
Señor Watkeens…coma here!
Watty
Why, as I live and attempt
to breathe if it isn’t my old friend,
Mexican Pete! Have a cigar?
Estrada
Volga mi dias!
Watty
I’ll take that as a negatori.
Estrada
I am Pedro Manuel Estrada…de Man
with seventeen notches on his gun.
Watty
That’s three more than the last time I saw you.
My, my, you’ve shot three men in one year.
Estrada
Si, two less than usual. But the year is still young.
Señor Watkeens, where is the money you take from us?
Watty
That was my retaining fee.
Estrada
Si, you retain him all right,
but what do you do for dat money?
Watty
You see, manny, I…
Estrada
Sit down!
Watty
You took the very words out of my mouth.
I’d better sit down before I keel over.
Estrada
You agreed to collect the money that my sister,
the Señora Estrada Robinson,
inherits from the estate of her late husband,
the Señor Jack Robinson .
Watty
I know, pal. I went to the trustees
of the Robinson Estate.
They’ve been searching all over Mexico
for Jack Robinson to break the glad news
that his uncle has slipped his cable,
leaving Jack his millions.
Estrada
They put it in Mechico newspaper.
I read newspaper, Jack he do not.
Jack, he marry my beautiful sister…
he not want to but I say unless he do…
Watty
Notch eighteen.
Estrada
Den right after marriage…too bad…
he fall over beeg cliff.
Watty
Ouch! But these pesky trustees insist
on asking your sister some questions.
Estrada
My sister cannot leave Mexico.
Watty
Why not?
Estrada
My sister is in jail.
Watty
Imagine my surprise.
Would you mind telling me
why she is in jail?
Estrada
A man get fresh wid her an’ she stick him
wid carving fork...den she stick him wid carving knife.
Watty
Yikes!
Estrada
She should have got off but she have big,
damn, fool lawyer.
Watty
Now that has all the earmarks of a nasty personal dig.
However, it just goes to show you, manny,
that even a Mexican lawyer can lose a case sometimes.
Estrada
He will never lose another.
He is notch 17 in this gun.
Watty
Oh, he’s a good looking fellow, isn’t he?
But listen, manny. If I can’t produce your sister,
I can’t collect the money.
Estrada
You promise to get the money
without my sister!
Watty
Would you mind pointing that thing in another direction?
Listen, manny, I’ll do what I can.
If I succeed in getting this estate for your sister,
there’s a hundred thousand dollars in it for me, right?
Estrada
Yes, but remember: when a feller sell me a horse
and de horse go lame, I don’t shoot de horse!
Watty
That only bears out what I said a while ago
that you were kind to animals.
Estrada
Ya es tempo. Buenos notches.
Watty
Would you forget about the notches, already?
Watty
He’s just lucky that I didn’t lose
my temper or I would’ve…
Susie
Hello!
Watty
Oh, it’s you! Young lady,
don’t ever sneak up behind me like that again.
Susie
I was behind that hedge.
I heard what the Mexican said to you.
Watty
You did, did you?
And you think you have troubles.
Susie
I know darn well I have.
Watty
Okay, so you take your troubles,
add two full cups of gunpowder,
three sticks of dynamite, stir well and cook over a hot fire,
and that will give you a faint idea of what my troubles are.
Whoa, Susie that gives me an idea!
Why can’t you pretend to be this Mexican girl
and go collect her money for her?
Susie
Are you kidding?
Watty
Estrada’s sister can’t come and get her money herself
because she’s doing five years for mistaking
her boyfriend for the Christmas turkey.
Susie
But how could I pretend to be her?
Watty
You can do it. We’ll get you a cute
little Spanish dress, some castanets…
Susie
But…
Watty
Now, listen: there’s a hundred thousand dollars
in it for me if you can get away with it.
But I’ll tell you what: I’ll split it with you 50-50.
Fifty thousand smackers for you
and fifty thousand big ones for me!
Susie
Oh heck! And I need the money so terribly.
Dick is threatening to do some thing desperate.
But I couldn’t…
Watty
Oh, come on! Haven’t you any heart?
Think of this helpless, little lady languishing away
in a Mexican jail. Think of her.
Think of me. Think of yourself!
Susie
Watty, I could never get away with it!
Watty
Yes you could!
Susie
No, I wouldn’t dare.
Watty
Oh, yes, you would!
Come on, Sue, for my sake!
OH LADY, BE GOOD
Watty
What a killing we could make,
Oh lady, oh, please come through.
Susie oh, for goodness sake,
It isn’t so hard to do.
In this moment of distress
Hear my sos.
All my future is at stake…
And Susie, it’s up to you, so:
Oh sweet and lovely lady, be good!
Oh, Susie, be good to me!
I am so awf’ly misunderstood,
So Susie, be good to me.
Oh, please have some pity.
I’m all alone in this big city.
I tell you
I’m just a lonesome babe in the wood.
Oh, Susie be good to me!
Watty
Listen to my tale of woe,
It’s terribly sad but true.
All dressed up, no place to go,
Each evening i’m awf’ly blue.
I must win some winsome miss;
Can’t go on like this.
I could blossom out, i know,
With somebody just like you, so:
Oh sweet and lovely lady, be good!
Oh, lady, be good to me!
I am so awf’ly misunderstood,
So lady, be good to me.
Oh, please have some pity.
I’m all alone in this big city.
I tell you
I’m just a lonesome babe in the wood.
So lady, be good to me!
Oh, sweet and lovely lady, be good!
Oh, lady be good to me!
I am so awfully misunderstood,
So lady, be good to me.
This is tulip weather,
So let’s put two and two together.
I tell you
I’m just a lonesome babe in the wood.
So lady, be good to me!
Susie
Oh, Shirley, I hope losing our money won’t make
any difference between you and Dick.
I do hope you’ll wait for him.
Shirley
But he’s never asked me to wait for him, Susie.
Susie
You know he’s in love with you, don’t you?
Shirley
He’s never said so. I’ve hoped he was.
Susie
Well, he is. He’s crazy about you.
Jo
Dickie, darling, don’t you think
we’d better tell them now?
Dick
No, I think we’d better wait a while, that is, I mean…
Daisy
Oh, Josephine, it has been a wonderful party.
Bertie
Yes, and the entertainers were marvelous.
Daisy
Goodnight, Jo.
We must be going.
Jo
Oh, no, don’t go yet.
I’ve something rather important to tell you all.
Shirley
Yes, what is it?
Jo
Dickie Trevor and I are engaged to be married!
Ensemble
Oh!
Ting-a-ling, the wedding bells will jing-a-ling-a-ling,
For the groom our Dickie, and his bride, our Josephine;
Ting-a-ling, the wedding bells will sing-a-ling-a-ling,
Wishing them a future that is happy and serene.
Susie
Dick. Dick! Dick!!
Susie
Dick, is this true?
Dick
Is what true?
Susie
That you’ve accepted Jo Vanderwater?
Jo
He accepted me?
Are you trying to be funny?
Dick
Will you please keep out of this?
Susie
I certainly won’t.
You’re not in love with Jo and she must know it!
Jo
Did you come here to insult me?
Dick
Shut up, Susie…you’re only going to disgrace me in public.
Susie
I will disgrace you before
I let you marry Jo Vanderwater!
Dick
It’s no use talking, it’s all settled. Shirley, I…
Shirley
Dick, I want to congratulate you.
I hope you’ll be very happy.
Daisy
When’s the happy day to be?
Jo
Very soon. I don’t believe in long engagements.
Ensemble
Make it soon, and take the month that makes a rhyme
With spoon;
That’s the month when newlyweds should take their
Honeymoon.
Make it soon, and take the month that makes a rhyme
With croon;
That’s the month when everybody feels the world’s in Tune.
Watty
Oh, dear, everybody singing
and I’ve forgotten my music.
Susie
Watty!
Watty
What is it?!
Susie
You know that thing you asked me to do?
Watty
You mean the Mexican business?
Susie
Yes, I’ll do it. I have to.
Watty
You’ll do it?
You’ll impersonate the Mexican girl?
Susie
If I can!
Watty
Of course you can…
Here, all the dope’s in this little red book.
All the Spanish you’ll need to speak is in here.
Study up, Sue, and leave everything to me!
Sweet little sue, i knew that you could!
I knew that you would for me!
Dick
What is this thing you
say you’re going to do?
Susie
None of your beeswax!
Dick
It certainly is my business.
You’ve made me look enough of a fool tonight.
Susie
Listen, birdbrain, everything I might
be doing is for your own good.
Dick
I’m not going to have you starting off
on any wild scheme with this old four- flusher.
Dick
It’s not your place to battle with the world,
little girl, it’s mine. What do you think Mother
and Father would say if they knew?
Remember you’re a Trevor, but I’m a Trevor, too.
Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?
Susie
All you’ve got to do is butt in and I’ll find myself
playing gin-rummy with the jailer.
Even if we are as broke as the Ten Commandments,
there’s no need for you to act this way. Say, listen!
Some people are born stupid, but you abuse the privileges!
Dick
Why is it every time we are having a good fight,
somebody has to play that tune?!
ACT II
Act I
Act II
Scene 1
Palm Court of the Robinson Hotel, Eastern Harbor, CT.
LINGER IN THE LOBBY
Chorus
New york may have it’s plaza and ambassador and ritz,
But we in eastern harbor have the robinson;
And there is not a dweller in this city but admits
That there is no hotel just like the robinson.
Though adjectives are split more
About Manhattan’s biltmore,
With this hotel we all are satisfied.
New york can keep it’s plaza and ambassador and ritz,
As long as eastern harbor has it’s robinson.
When we’ve the time to spare,
We linger in the lobby;
In fact, we must declare
It’s grown to be a hobby.
The reason should be clear…
You’ll understand our passion:
We get the scandal here
And see the latest fashion.
If you want to know what’s what, here’s the spot,
You must linger in the lobby of the robinson hotel.
If you want to see who’s who come in view,
You must linger in the lobby of the robinson hotel.
Foreigners from ev’ry clime;
Something doing all the time.
If you want to dish the dirt, want to flirt,
You must linger to the lobby of the robinson hotel.
Jo
I don’t see what you brought me
all the way out here for.
Dick
I must find Susie.
Jo
If she wants to run away without telling
you where she’s going, just let her go.
Dick
I can’t do that, Jo, I feel responsible for her.
Jo
Well, if you want to waste the whole afternoon
looking for your sister you can do it.
Dick
Thanks!
Jo
Be sure that you’re not late
for the dance at the Yacht Club tonight.
Dick
All right, Jo.
Jo
Well, aren’t you going to put me in my car?
Dick
Yes, of course.
Daisy
Oh, Bertie!
Bertie
Hello, sugar lambkin!
Daisy
I’ve got it!
Bertie
Got what?
Daisy
A job for you. Uncle Ned says you can be
the house detective in this hotel.
Bertie
The house detective?
Me? Oh, Lord!
Daisy
He wants someone who can mingle
with the guests and look as if he didn’t know
anything about anything, and I persuaded him
that you were just the type!
Bertie
Pettie!
Shirley
Dick!
Dick
Go right ahead...don’t mind me.
Bertie
I won’t. Come on, darling, let’s go!
Out into the cornfield.
The crops need sunshine!
Dick
Hello!
Shirley
Hello!
Dick
Gee, how I envy that fellow!
Shirley
Why?
Dick
To be plum crazy about a girl
and not to have anything
to stop him from telling her so.
Shirley
I don’t know why you should envy him.
Dick
Don’t you?
Shirley
You’re just engaged
and think how romantic
your engagement was.
That’s just the way I’m going to do it.
Dick
What?
Shirley
All of a sudden…just like that.
Dick
Oh! You mustn’t! I mean You aren’t really
thinking of marrying, are you?
Shirley
Why not?
Dick
Think what a lottery marriage is.
Everything starting out happily
and ending up with misery and despair.
Think of all the fights and quarrels.
Shirley
That’s a fine way for you to talk!
Dick
Oh, my case is different, but...
Shirley
So you think perhaps that I couldn’t make
a success of marriage? You think that a man
wouldn’t be happy with me?
Dick
If he wasn’t happy with you, I’d think he was crazy…
but if he was…I’d want to break his neck!
Shirley
Dick!
Dick
I didn’t mean to tell you, Shirley,
but I couldn’t help it. I’m so gosh darned blue!
Shirley
Blue? Why?
Dick
Because you’re going to marry someone else,
and I’ve got to marry someone else, and oh, it’s hell!
Shirley
Why, Dick! You don’t mean that…that…?
Dick
Oh, Shirley, if you only knew!
THE HALF OF IT, DEARIE, BLUES
Dick
Each time you trill a song with bill or look at will,
I get a chill…i’m gloomy.
I won’t recall the names of all the men who fall…
It’s all appalling to me.
Of course, i really cannot blame them a bit,
For you’re a hit where’re you flit.
I know it’s so, but dearie, oh!
You’ll never know the blues that go right through me.
I’ve got the you-don’t-know-the-half-of-it-dearie blues.
The trouble is you have so Many from whom to choose.
If you should marry
Tom, Dick, or harry,
Life would be the bunk…
I’d become a monk.
I’ve got the you-don’t know-the-half-of-it-dearie blues!
Shirley
To bill and ben i’d pay attention now and then,
But really men would bore me.
When i’d begun to think i’d run and be a nun,
I met the one man for me.
And now just when the sun is starting to beam…
Along comes a girl…zip goes a dream!
What will i do away from you?
I feel the future will be blue and stormy.
I’ve got the you-don’t-know-the-half-of-it-dearie blues.
It may be my heart isn’t broken, but there’s a bruise.
Through you i’ve known some
Days that were lonesome,
Though you say that i’m
Flirting all the time.
I’ve got the you-don-t know-the-half-of-it-dearie blues!
Chorus
I’ve got the you-don’t-know-the-half-of-it-dearie blues.
Oh, how i wish you’d drop an anchor and end your cruise.
You’re just a duffer
Who makes me suffer;
All the younger set
Says your heart’s to let.
I’ve got the you-don’t-know-the-half-of-it-dearie blues!
Watty
Here I am Mr. Parke…if it is Mr. Parke,
lawyer for the Robins Estate
and the manager of this fine hotel.
Parke
Mr. T. Watterson Watkins?
Watty
My card.
Parke
I have your card.
Watty
Have you read it?
Parke
I have.
Watty
Good…then I can use it again.
We went to your office, Mr. Parke,
but they told us you were here.
Parke
Have you brought the widow
of young Robinson with you?
Watty
Indeed I have.
Parke
Where is the Señora now?
Watty
She’s in the reception room
entertaining some of the guests.
Parke
Show her in, I’d like
to have a little talk with her.
Watty
James!
Watty
Tell the Señora Robinson,
Mr. Parke would like
to have a few words with her.
Waiter
I’ll tell her, Sir.
Parke
She speaks English, of course.
Watty
If any, very little. Oh, she can say "gimme"
and "tightwad" and "you and who else"
and a few other expressions a young wife
naturally would learn.
Parke
Then you will have to translate for me.
Parke
Ah! Good afternoon!
Susie
Bueno giorno!
JUANITA
Boys
Tell us, senorita, do they grow
Any more like you
Down in mexico?
That is something we should like to know,
For in case they do, there we’ll have to go.
Though love in spanish
We can’t discuss,
Please don’t be clannish
With us.
Harken to our plaintive serenade,
Fascinating maid:
Wonderful juanita,
Dark-eyed senorita,
Blushing tropic rose, so divine,
Could you learn to be a clinging vine?
Never was so sweet a
Maid as you juanita.
My heart beating
Keeps repeating,
"when will juanita be mine?"
Boys
Wonderful juanita,
Dark-eyed senorita,
Blushing tropic rose, so divine,
Could you learn to be a clinging vine?
Never was so sweet a
Maid as you juanita.
My heart beating
Keeps repeating,
"when will juanita be mine?"
Dick
I’ve got to go over to the Yacht Club, Shirley.
Josephine just phoned me to meet her there.
I’m going to tell her it’s over between her and me.
Shirley
Oh, Dick…
Watty
Suffering saints!
What in the world are you doing here?
Dick
I’m looking for my sister.
Watty
What sister? What’s his name?
Dick
My sister. My one and only sister, Susie.
Watty
Oh, him. Yes, no, I haven’t seen him.
And you mean to say you followed your sister here?
Dick
Yes, I found she’d hired a car to come over here…
Watty
Get out of here! Go out…go out…
into the garden, my love.
Dick
Say, what’s the matter with you?
Shirley
You know, Dick, I don’t think it’s
very nice of you of spy on your sister.
Dick
Well, if you think I oughtn’t to, I’ll go home.
Watty
You’re right, sister. Press the flesh.
Dick
Nobody cares what you think.
I’m going out and find Susie
if it takes the rest of the night.
Shirley
Dick...
Susie
Gee, that was a close shave, wasn’t it?
Watty
Didn’t I tell you never
to sneak up behind me like that?
Susie
Sorry! I’m so scared now
my spine feels like a piece of spaghetti.
Watty
Now, come on. Pull yourself together because
of your brother finds us here,
we’re sunk! Brace up, be a man!
Dick
Ah ha!!
Dick
So, you haven’t seen my sister.
Look at her.
Watty
You look at her. I’ve seen her already.
(two bathing suit women cross stage.
Watty sees them.)
Watty
Well, well…who says that construction is falling
behind in America? Excuse me.
Dick
What is all this mystery?
Susie
There’s no mystery.
Watty and I came here for a little dance.
Dick
Nonsense. Watty can’t dance.
Susie
Sure he can. Anyone can dance.
(She starts the Charleston. )
Dick
Say, I want to know what’s going
on here right now.
Susie
I already told you.
We’re just dancing.
Dick
And that’s it?
Susie
What more could there be?
Dick
Susie, what am I going to do with you?
I’D RATHER CHARLESTON
Dick
I’ve seen for days,
that you’ve got some ways
That must be checked,
In you i never can detect
The slightest sign of intellect.
You’re mad on dances;
think of the chances you neglect.
You never seem inclined to use your mind;
In fact it’s plain to see
That i’m the brain of the family.
Take a lesson from me.
Susie
I’d rather charleston.
Dick
charleston?
think of what you might be.
Susie
I’d rather charleston.
Dick
I’m disappointed in you and your ways.
Susie
I’m double-jointed,
There’s no sensation like syncopation.
Dick
Won’t you let me know why?
Susie
I’d rather charleston.
Dick
That’s the sort of thing i would never do.
So leave it behind
and give your mind to something new.
Susie
I’d rather charleston,
charleston, charleston, with you.
Dick
Your way of living soon will be giving me a pain.
You just repeat that one refrain.
You use your feet and not your brain.
Something has got you, i don’t know what you hope to gain.
And after all i’ve done it’s not much fun
To have a sister whose
Got her brain in her dancing shoes.
Take a lesson from me.
Susie
I’d rather charleston.
Dick
When you’re older you’ll see.
Susie
I’d rather charleston.
Dick
A great improvement i’ve looked for in you.
Susie
I like this movement, it makes you plastic
Just like elastic.
Dick
Don’t you ever keep cool?
Susie
I’d rather charleston.
Dick
That’s the sort of thing foolish people do.
Say, haven’t you heard what lincoln said
In sixty-two?
Susie
Yes.
Dick
Well, what did he say?
Susie
I’d rather charleston,
charleston, charleston with you.
Susie
Ah, Señor Parquito, cara, mea!
Caramba! Tango…Tabasco!
Parke
Would you like me to show you
to your suite, Señora?
Susie
Ah, si, si, si…do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti-si-si-si-si!
Adios, Señor.
Panetello, Corona, Pamento…
Dick
Just who is she supposed to be?
Watty
Shh, not so loud. She’s supposed to be
Señora Juanita Estrada Robinson,
the sole heiress to the Robinson millions.
Dick
Great Scott!
Bertie
Pardon me, gentleman, but have you seen
Mr. Rufus Parke hereabouts?
Watty
Mr. Parke is in the reception room
entertaining my client,
the Señora Estrada Robinson...
a poor, lone, little widow.
Bertie
That’s a laugh…ha, ha.
Watty
What do you mean…
that’s a laugh, ha ha?
Bertie
Because I saw Jack Robinson
at a party three days ago.
Watty
Three days ago? Oh, no…no…no!
Dick
No…no…no…no!
Bertie
I did I tell you…At a party.
Watty
My dear boy, probably you’ve been
overfilling the radiator a bit.
Dick
My eyes play me strange tricks,
too, when I’ve had a few drinks.
Bertie
Why I saw him as plainly as I see that…
that waiter over there.
Watty
What waiter?
Bertie
Why that waiter over there…
Watty
What waiter? At what table?
Why my dear fellow,
what is wrong with you?
You don’t see any waiter, do you?
Dick
No…certainly not.
Watty
My dear chap, that’s something you ought
to see a doctor about immediately.
Oh, I beg your pardon! My dear fellow,
I was mistaken. I apologize, there is a waiter over there.
Bertie
You mean to say you see a waiter there now?
Watty
Certainly.
Dick
Of course.
Bertie
Well, I…but…
Watty
Perhaps you’d better have a drink,
it will do you good. Thank you, Richard.
Ah, what a fine bottle of Scotch.
Look out, don’t spill it! Seltzer?
Dick
Please.
Watty
Ss…s-s-s.
Dick
Hey, don’t drown it!
Watty
Well, boys, here’s all the hair off your head.
Watty
My, but that’s good stuff.
Dick
Well, how do you feel now?
Bertie
Far from well, thanks.
Watty
Funny that business you were telling is about…
you thinking you saw Jack Robinson at a party.
Bertie
Well, I may have been wrong… Oh, I say…
Are you there?
Watty
BOO!
Watty
Put it there!
THE MAN I LOVE
(Music on the way)
Jack
Hello! Here you are again.
Bertie
Holy Hannah! Extraordinary how real you seem!
Jack
Say, are you drunk by any chance?
Bertie
No…I did have one drink…
at least I think I did…
Jack
Well, stick around and you’ll have plenty of drinks.
Haven’t you heard the news?
Bertie
What news?
Jack
I’ve inherited the entire estate
of old Jabez Robinson.
Bertie
You have?
Jack
Don’t you know that I’m Jack Robinson?
Bertie
Are you quite sure?
Jack
Just let me see Mr. Parke…
By the way, where is Parke?
Bertie
He’s somewhere showing
this place to your widow.
Jack
My what? Do you mean to tell me that there’s
a girl here pretending to be my widow?
Bertie
There sure is.
Jack
Bertie, will you please go
and see if you can find her for me?
Bertie
Certainly, old chap…anything to oblige…
Jack
I’m certainly anxious to meet her!
Bertie
I don’t blame you…
I’d like to meet my widow. Ha, ha!
Susie
Uh-oh! I mean Dio mio!
Jack
Miss Trevor!
Susie
Hst! Not Miss Trevor here!
Jack
Oh…I thought you told me
that was your name?
Susie
I did, but it really isn’t…
not my right name, that is.
Jack
I see…so you…you didn’t want
to trust me with your real name.
Susie
No, that wasn’t it, but…
what on earth did you have to come
to this place for, anyway?
Jack
I have business here.
Susie
Everybody seems to have business here.
Jack
I’m sorry you’re not glad to see me.
Susie
I am…sorta! I’m sorry; you see,
I’m in half-mourning.
Jack
Really? For whom?
Susie
My husband.
Jack
Say, you’re not by any chance
Mrs. Jack Robinson?
Susie
Yes, I am.
Jack
Hah!
Susie
I don’t think that’s very nice of you.
Jack
I’m sure you don’t.
Susie
It isn’t very respectful
to my late husband.
Jack
Was he a nice fellow?
Susie
Wonderful.
No one could compare with my Jack.
Jack
You loved him?
Susie
Of course!
Jack
How long were you married?
Susie
We were together
for two wonderful months!
Jack
Really? What a lot
I seem to have missed.
Susie
Our marriage was perfect!
Jack
He’s going to be a tough act to follow!
Susie
Indeed he is.
He’s left me with pretty high standards!
SO AM I
Susie
He was grand, how I sigh!
What a man…
Jack
So am I.
Susie
He was kind, sweet as pie.
He could love…
Jack
So can i.
I’m sure I could double for him easily.
Seems to me, that I am just like him
And he, just like me.
Susie
He was smart, me oh my!
He was wise…
Jack
So am I!
Parke
I tell you, this fellow
Bertie is an absolute idiot.
Daisy
Uncle Ned, you’re talking
of the man I’ve promised to marry.
Parke
Jack Robinson alive! It’s absurd!
Parke
Do you know what my niece
is saying, Mr. Watkins?
Watty
No, what is she saying?
Parke
She says that Jack Robinson is alive…
Daisy
I only told him what Bertie said.
Watty
That nut?!
Daisy
How dare you! I won’t have
my future husband insulted!
Shirley
Oh, Señora! Won’t you sing us one
of your quaint Spanish folk songs?
Daisy
Or maybe dance the fandango?
Shirley
Oh no…we’d much rather hear a song!
Perhaps something by De Falla?
Watty
Or maybe something by his cousin…
distant cousin…from Brooklyn!
Bertie
Just a moment, young woman.
There are a number of questions I’d like to ask you.
Watty
Anything you have to say
to her will have to go through me.
Bertie
I’d rather she answered
them herself, thank you.
Watty
But she speaks nothing but Spanish.
Bertie
So do I…fluently.
Susie
Buenos Noches!
Bertie
Just a moment! I don’t think
I was properly introduced to you.
My name is Bertie Bassett.
Watty
And my name’s mud.
Daisy, Susie, Shirley
He’s arrested him!
Parke
So this is true?
You are an impostor?
Susie
Enfermo! Molta-Malerto de stomacho!
Parke
Now what have you got
to say for yourself, young woman?
Jack
What is this? What’s going on here?
Hello, Mr. Parke.
Parke
Jack! Jack Robinson! Alive!
Ensemble
Jack Robinson!
Susie
Jack Robinson! Sacramento!
Jack
Whose voice is that? Who spoke?
Parke
Why…this girl is pretending
to be your wife.
Jack
Pretending? She is my wife!
Ensemble
What!
Watty
I do believe in fairies! Break it up boys, break it up!
Young man, did you hear that?
If this young lady is this young man’s wife,
I’ll trouble you to unlock these handcuffs at once.
Bertie
Why, of course, how stupid of me.
You know I shall never forget the first time
I visited your dear country.
It’s not there, it’s gone, my God, I’ve lost the key!
Watty
You poor sapadillo!
Let’s go find it!
Jack
Juanita! My darling wife!
At last I’ve found you!
LADY BE GOOD
Jack
Oh, sweet and lovely wifie, be good!
Oh, wifie, be good to me!
I’ve put an end to your widowhood,
So, wifie, be good to me!
We should be more clubby.
I hope you’re glad to see your hubby,
Or else, dear,
I’ll be a lonesome babe in the wood.
Oh, wifie, be good to me!
Susie
You know, I think it’s awfully nice of you,
getting me out of this mess.
Jack
What do you mean, Juanita?
My darling wife!
Susie
He will have his little Joke! Well,
I suppose I have it coming to me.
You must think I had a fine crust
claiming to be your wife.
Jack
But you are my wife!
Susie
What, are you crazy?
Jack
When those bandits in Mexico knocked me
in the head it made me forget all the past
until I walked in and saw you today.
Susie
Help!
Jack
Juanita! My darling!
Susie
Oh! Oh!
Jack
My darling wife!
Susie
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Jack
What’s the matter?
Susie
I’m going to faint…quick…some water.
Jack
Oh, you poor little girl...Water! Water!
(Runs offstage.)
Jeff
Excuse me. My little friend and I
are supposed to be performing
at the Yacht Club, but we… Miss Susie!
Susie
Is he gone? Good! Shirley!
Here…quick, sit down!
Take this fan and this stupid hat!
Now don’t move! No offense, Jeff,
but shut your mouth and move your feet!
Wait’ll I get my hands on you, Watty Watkins!
Jack
Here you are…drink this.
Shirley
Thanks, but I’m not thirsty.
Jack
What in the…
Shirley
She went that-a-way.
Jack
Gosh, Shirley, she’s
the most wonderful woman.
I’m going to make her so happy!
We’ll make each other happy.
Shirley
Oh, Jack, I’m so happy for you.
I’m so happy for all of us.
SOON
Scene 3
The Eastern Harbor Yacht Club entertainment Room.
Parke
Testing…one, two, three. Ladies and gentlemen,
the unique musical stylings of Mr. Jeff White.
LITTLE JAZZ BIRD
Jeff
Into a cabaret, one fatal day
A little song-bird flew;
Found it so very gay, he thought he’d stay,
Just to get a bird’s eye view.
When he heard the jazz band playing,
He was happy as a lark;
To each measure he kept swaying;
And he stayed till after dark...
Then back to the land he knew, thrilled through
And through,
He sailed on in the air;
Called all the other birds, and in these words,
Started gurgling then and there:
I’m a little jazz bird,
And i’m telling you to be one, too,
For a little jazz bird
Is in heaven when it’s singing "blue."
I say it with regret,
But you’re out of date;
You ain’t heard nothing yet,
Till you syncopate.
When the going is rough,
You will find your troubles all have flown,
If you warble your stuff
Like the moaning of a saxophone.
Just try my recipe,
And i’m sure you’ll agree
That a little jazz bird
Is the kind of bird to be.
I’m a little jazz bird,
And i’m telling you to be one, too.
For a little jazz bird
Is in heaven when it’s singing "blue."
I say it with regret,
But you’re out of date;
You ain’t heard nothing yet,
Till you syncopate.
When the going is rough,
You will find your troubles all have flown,
If you warble your stuff
Like the moaning of a saxophone.
Just try my recipe,
And i’m sure you’ll agree
That a little jazz bird
Is the only kind of bird to be.
Dick
Susie! What in the world
are you made up for?
Susie
It’s the best Shirley could find me.
Dick
What’s happened?
Susie
What hasn’t happened? Jack Robinson,
that nice boy that I thought was simply
cuckoo about me, turns out
to be cuckoo about everything.
Dick
Speaking of Jack Robinson, Josephine’s heard
all about you pretending to be Mrs. Robinson,
and she says that from now on, she doesn’t know you.
Susie
What did you say?
Dick
We had a terrible row and it all ended up
in her breaking our engagement.
Susie
Dickie…splendid! Now,
you can marry Shirley.
Dick
Well, you never can tell,
and I’ve got some more good news for you.
Susie
Yeah?
Dick
I think I’m going to land a job tomorrow.
Susie
A job? What kind of job?
Dick
I’m not going to tell you until I’m sure of it.
Susie
Oh, I see…it’s a secret.
Well, I’ve got a job, too.
Dick
You have?
What kind of job?
Susie
I’m Bertha, the beautiful yodeler!
SWISS MISS
Susie and Dick
Up on the top of a snow covered mountain
There lived an alpine miss.
And oh! What a sweet little miss was this…
We mean this little swiss miss.
While down in the valley below-ho-ho,
Lived a boy who loved her so-ho-ho,
He loved her with all his might;
He loved her day and night.
And ev’ry night just to see this miss,
He used to risk his scalp,
For the house where she lived was away up high
And the poor guy didn’t know how to fly,
So he jumped from alp to alp!
And then beneath her balcony,
He used to stand around and try to make a hit with her,
And he would yodel, "oh, lay, oh, lee."
That’s the swiss idea of melody.
And oh! What a yodeling fool was he…
He shook a wicked yodel.
And one night as she stood there,
The lights were very dim,
While leaning out of the balcony,
She fell for him.
He sat with his arms around her until the night was gone,
And here’s the way they carried on.
He said: dear, i think you’re just as sweet as you can be
You’re like a cake of sweet swiss miss chocolate to me.
She said: oh, my loving one, your talk i can’t resist,
I hope you’re steady as the swiss watch ticking on your Wrist,
He said: how i yearn for you, and burn for you, i do!
I do!
Oh, lady, i swear it on my knees;
My love for you is just as strong as a piece of sweitzer Cheese.
Shirley
I saw Susie a little while ago!
But I don’t think she wants to see you.
Jack
What has she told you?
Shirley
Everything.
Jack
I did it to punish her. You see,
she pretended to be my wife, and I thought…
Shirley
You didn’t stop to inquire
why she did what she did?
Jack
Well, I knew there was a lot of money at stake and…
Oh! I don’t care what she did! I’m just crazy about her.
Susie
I heard what you were saying about me.
I wasn’t trying to claim your old estate.
Your wife hired me to impersonate her.
Jack
I haven’t any wife!
Susie
What? You haven’t a sweet, lovely wife doing time
in a Mexican jail carving up one of her lovers?
Jack
I certainly have not!
I haven’t any kind of a wife…yet.
Susie
I accept the nomination.
Watty
Come on, Spark Plug!
I’m all tuckered out dragging you along.
Well, I’ve been a good boy tonight, haven’t I?
Treated you well?
Gone everywhere you wanted me to?
I haven’t complained, have I?
Bertie
No.
Watty
Well, from now on, young man,
you’re going to be my guest.
We’re going to the nearest police station
and get these things unlocked!
Daisy
What have you two men been running for?
Watty
Didn’t you see that Mexican nightmare
that was after us?
Daisy
Yes, and I happened to mention
to him that Jack Robinson had come back
from the grave and you couldn’t see
his heels for the dust.
Watty
What?! I knew that Mexican sister
of his was a fraud.
Bertie
I say, ha, ha! I’ve found the key.
It was here in my waistcoat pocket all the time!
Watty
Oh, you poor sap! Give me the key!
You know Bertie’s a cute little fellow,
but I’d just as soon not go round
wearing him on my wrist.
There! Oh, look at the cute little birdies up
in the air, they must be swallows. There!
One good turn deserves another.
Now, you two will have to get married!
Do you see this key? Take a good look at it;
you’re never going to see it again.
Watty
Ah, the Empress Josephine herself.
Jo
Oh, Mr. Watkins!
Watty
Call me, Watty.
Jo
Watty, do you know
I had a dream about you last night?
Watty
Tell me, Jo, what did you dream?
Jo
I dreamt that we were at a wedding…
you were the bridegroom and I was the bride.
Watty
Oh, Jo, say the word that will keep
the preacher out of the poorhouse!
FINALE ULTIMO
Jo
Soon, my dear you’ll never be lonely
Watty
Soon, you’ll find i live for you only.
Daisy
I’ve found the happiness i’ve waited for;
Bertie
The only girl that i was fated for.
Dick
Oh! Soon a little cottage will find us
Safe with all our cares far behind us:
Shirley
The day you’re mine this world will be in tune:
Jo, Daisy, Shirley, Watty, Bertie, Dick
Let’s make that day come …
Jack
Soon our little ship will come sailing home
through every Storm, never failing:
Susie
The day you’re mine
the world will be in tune:
All principals
Let’s make that day come…
Chorus
Fascinating wedding
You got me on the go,
Fascinating wedding,
I’m all a-quiver.
Fascinating wedding,
The neighbors want to know
Why i’m always shaking just like a flivver.
Oh, what a lovely day in church there’s going to be!
Fascinating wedding
You’re calling my lady and…
Principals
…soon!
Chorus
…me!
Act I
Act II
T H E E
N D
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