THESPIS
OR:
THE GODS GROWN OLD
Libretto by William S. Gilbert
Music by Arthur S. Sullivan
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
GODS:
Jupiter, Aged Diety
Apollo, Aged Diety
Mars, Aged Diety
Diana, Aged Diety
Mercury
THESPIANS:
Thespis
Sillimon
Timidon
Tipseion
Preposteros
Stupidas
Sparkeion
Nicemis
Pretteia
Daphne
Cymon
ACT I
ACT II
ACT I
(Scene-The ruins of the The Temple of the Gods,
on summit of Mount Olympus. Picturesque shattered columns,
overgrown with ivy, etc. R. and L. with entrances to temple (ruined)
R. Fallen columns on the stage. Three broken pillars 2 R.E.
At the back of stage is the approach from the summit of the mountain.
This should be "practicable" to enable large numbers
of people to ascend and descend.
In the distance are the summits of adjacent mountains.
At first all this is concealed by a thick fog, which clears presently.
Enter (through fog) Chorus of Stars coming off duty
as fatigued with their night's work)
CHORUS
Through the night, the constellations,
Have given light from various stations.
When midnight gloom falls on all nations,
We will resume our occupations.
SOLO.
Our light, it's true, is not worth mention;
What can we do to gain attention.
When night and noon with vulgar glaring
A great big moon is always flaring.
(During chorus, enter Diana, an elderly goddess.
She is carefully wrapped up in cloaks, shawls, etc.
A hood is over her head, a respirator in her mouth,
and galoshes on her feet. During the chorus,
she takes these things off and discovers herself dressed
in the usual costume of the Lunar Diana, the goddess of the moon.
DIANA
(shuddering)
Ugh. How cold the nights are.
I don't know how it is, but I seem to feel
the night air a good deal more than I used to.
But it is time for the sun to be rising.
(Calls)
Apollo.
APOLLO
(within)
Hollo.
DIANA
I've come off duty-it's time for you to be getting up.
(Enter Apollo. He is an elderly "buck"
with an air of assumed juvenility and is dressed
in dressing gown and smoking cap.
APOLLO
(yawning)
I shan't go out today. I was out yesterday
and the day before and I want a little rest.
I don't know how it is,but I seem to feel my work
a great deal more than I used to.
DIANA
I am sure these short days can't hurt you.
Why you don't rise til six and you're in bed again by five;
you should have a turn at my work
and see how you like that-out all night.
APOLLO
My dear sister, I don't envy you-though I remember
when I did-but that was when I was a younger sun.
I don't think I'm quite well. Perhaps a little change
of air will do me good.
I've a mind to show myself in London this winter.
They'll be very glad to see me. No. I shan't go out today.
I shall send them this fine, thick wholesome fog
and they won't miss me. It's the best substitute
for a blazing sun-and like most substitutes,
nothing at all like the real thing.
(Fog clears away and discovers the scene described.
Hurried music. Mercury shoots up
from behind precipice at the back of stage.
He carries several parcels afterwards described.
He sits down, very much fatigued.)
MERCURY
Home at last. A nice time I've had of it.
DIANA
You young scamp you've been out all night again.
This is the third time you've been out this week.
MERCURY
Well you're a nice one to blow me up for that.
DIANA
I can't help being out all night.
MERCURY
And I can't help being down all night.
The nature of Mercury requires that he should go
down when the sun sets, and rise again when the sun rises.
DIANA
And what have you been doing?
MERCURY
Stealing on commission. There's a set of false teeth
and a box of Life Pills for Jupiter-an invisible peruke
and a bottle of hair dye-that's for Apollo-a respirator
and a pair of galoshes-that's for Cupid-a full bottomed chignon,
some auricomous fluid, a box of pearl-powder,
a pot of rouge, and a hare's foot-that's for Venus.
DIANA
Stealing. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
MERCURY
Oh, as the god of thieves I must do something
to justify my position.
DIANA and APOLLO
(contemptuously)
Your position.
MERCURY
Oh, I know it's nothing to boast of even on earth.
Up here, it's simply contemptible.
Now that you gods are too old for your work,
you've made me the miserable drudge of Olympus-groom,
valet, postman, butler, commissionaire,
maid of all work, parish beadle, and original dustman.
APOLLO
Your Christmas boxes ought
to be something considerable.
MERCURY
They ought to be but they're not. I'm treated abominably.
I make everybody and I'm nobody.
I go everywhere and I'm nowhere.
I do everything and I'm nothing. I've made thunder for Jupiter,
odes for Apollo, battles for Mars, and love for Venus.
I've married couples for Humen and six weeks afterwards,
I've divorced them for Cupid, and in return I get all the kicks
while they pocket the halfpence.
And in compensation for robbing me of the halfpence in question,
what have they done for me.
APOLLO
Why they've-ha.ha.ha.
they've made you the god of thieves.
MERCURY
Very self denying of them.
There isn't one of them who hasn't a better claim
to the distinction than I have.
Oh, I'm the celestial drudge,
For morning to night I must stop at it.
On errands all day I must trudge,
And stick to my work til I drop at it.
In summer I get up at one.
(As a good-natured donkey I'm ranked for it.)
then I go and I light up the sun.
And Phoebus Apollo gets thanked for it.
Well, well, it's the way of the world.
And will be through all its futurity.
Though noodles are baroned and earled,
There's nothing for clever obscurity.
I'm the slave of the Gods, neck and heels,
And I'm bound to obey, though I rate at 'em.
And I not only order their meals,
But I cook 'em and serve'em and wait at 'em.
Then I make all their nectar, I do.
(What a terrible liquor to rack us is.)
And whenever I mix them a brew,
Why all the thanksgivings are Bacchus's.
Well, well, it's the way of the world, etc.....
The reading and writing I teach.
And spelling-books many I've edited.
And for bringing those arts within reach,
That donkey Minerva gets credited.
Then I scrape at the stars with a knife,
And plate-powder the moon (on the days for it).
And I hear all the world and his wife
Awarding Diana the praise for it.
Well, well, it's the way of the world, etc....
(After song-very loud and majestic music is heard)
DIANA and MERCURY
(looking off)
Why, who's this? Jupiter, by Jove.
(Enter Jupiter, an extremely old man, very decrepit,
with very thin straggling white beard, he wears
a long braided dressing gown, handsomely trimmed,
and a silk night-cap on his head.
Mercury falls back respectfully as he enters.)
JUPITER
Good day, Diana. Ah, Apollo.
Well, well, well, what's the matter?
What's the matter?
DIANA
Why that young scamp Mercury says that we do nothing,
and leave all the duties of Olympus to him.
Will you believe it, he actually says that our influence
on earth is dropping down to nil.
JUPITER
Well, well. Don't be hard on the lad.
To tell you the truth, I'm not sure that he's far wrong.
Don't let it go any further, but, between ourselves,
the sacrifices and votive offerings have fallen off terribly of late.
Why, I can remember the time when people offered us human sacrifices,
no mistake about it, human sacrifices. Think of that.
DIANA
Ah. Those good old days.
JUPITER
Then it fell off to oxen, pigs, and sheep.
APOLLO
Well, there are worse things than oxen,
pigs and sheep.
JUPITER
So I've found to my cost. My dear sir, between ourselves,
it's dropped off from one thing to another
until it has positively dwindled down to preserved Australian beef.
What do you think of that?
APOLLO
I don't like it at all.
JUPITER
You won't mention it. It might go further.
DIANA
It couldn't fare worse.
JUPITER
In short, matters have come to such a crisis
that there's no mistake about it-something must be done
to restore our influence, the only question is, what?
MERCURY
(Coming forward in great alarm. Enter Mars)
Oh incident unprecedented.
I hardly can believe it's true.
MARS.
Why, bless the boy, he's quite demented.
Why, what's the matter, sir, with you?
APOLLO
Speak quickly, or you'll get a warming.
MERCURY
Why, mortals up the mount are swarming
Our temple on Olympus storming,
In hundreds-aye in thousands, too.
ALL.
Goodness gracious
How audacious
Earth is spacious
Why come here?
Our impeding
Their proceeding
Were good breeding
That is clear.
DIANA
Jupiter, hear my plea.
Upon the mount if they light.
There'll be an end of me.
I won't be seen by daylight.
APOLLO
Tartarus is the place
These scoundrels you should send to-
Should they behold my face.
My influence there's an end to.
JUPITER
(looking over precipice)
What fools to give themselves
so much exertion
DIANA
A government survey I'll make assertion.
APOLLO
Perhaps the Alpine clubs their diversion.
MERCURY
They seem to be more like a "Cook's" excursion.
ALL.
Goodness gracious, etc.
APOLLO
If, mighty Jove, you value your existence,
Send them a thunderbolt with your regards.
JUPITER
My thunderbolts, though valid at a distance,
Are not effective at a hundred yards.
MERCURY
Let the moon's rays, Diana, strike 'em flighty,
Make 'em all lunatics in various styles.
DIANA
My lunar rays unhappily are mighty
Only at many hundred thousand miles.
ALL.
Goodness gracious, etc...
(Exeunt Jupiter, Apollo, Diana,
and Mercury into ruined temple)
(Enter Sparkeion and Nicemis
climbing mountain at back.)
SPARKEION
Here we are at last on the very summit,
and we've left the others ever so far behind.
Why, what's this?
NICEMIS
A ruined palace.
A palace on the top of a mountain.
I wonder who lives here?
Some mighty kind, I dare say,
with wealth beyond all counting
who came to live up here-
SPARKEION
To avoid his creditors. It's a lovely situation
for a country house though it's very much out of repair.
NICEMIS
Very inconvenient situation.
SPARKEION
Inconvenient.
NICEMIS
Yes, how are you to get butter, milk, and eggs up here?
No pigs, no poultry, no postman. Why, I should go mad.
SPARKEION
What a dear little practical mind it is.
What a wife you will make.
NICEMIS
Don't be too sure-we are only
partly married-the marriage ceremony lasts all day.
SPARKEION
I have no doubt at all about it.
We shall be as happy as a king and queen,
though we are only a strolling actor and actress.
NICEMIS
It's very nice of Thespis to celebrate our marriage day
by giving the company a picnic on this lovely mountain.
SPARKEION
And still more kind to allow us
to get so much ahead of all the others.
Discreet Thespis.
(kissing her)
NICEMIS.
There now, get away, do.
Remember the marriage ceremony
is not yet completed.
SPARKEION
But it would be ungrateful to Thespis's discretion
not to take advantage of it by improving the opportunity.
NICEMIS
Certainly not; get away.
SPARKEION
On second thought the opportunity's
so good it don't admit of improvement. There.
(kisses her)
NICEMIS
How dare you kiss me before we are quite married?
SPARKEION
Attribute it to the intoxicating influence
of the mountain air.
NICEMIS
Then we had better do down again.
It is not right to expose ourselves to influences
over which we have no control.
SPARKEION
Here far away from all the world,
Dissension and derision,
With Nature's wonders all unfurled
To our delighted vision,
With no one here
(At least in sight)
To interfere
With our delight,
And two fond lovers sever,
Oh do not free,
Thine hand from mine,
I swear to thee
My love is ever thine
For ever and for ever.
NICEMIS
On mountain top the air is keen,
And most exhilarating,
And we say things we do not mean
In moments less elating.
So please to wait
For thoughts that crop,
En tete-a-tete,
On mountain top,
May not exactly tally
With those that you
May entertain,
Returning to
The sober plain
Of yon relaxing valley
SPARKEION
Very well-if you won't have anything
to say to me, I know who will.
NICEMIS
Who will?
SPARKEION
Daphne will.
NICEMIS
Daphne would flirt with anybody.
SPARKEION
Anybody would flirt with Daphne.
She is quite as pretty as you
and has twice as much back-hair.
NICEMIS
She has twice as much money,
which may account for it.
SPARKEION
At all events, she has appreciation.
She likes good looks.
NICEMIS
We all like what we haven’t got.
SPARKEION
She keeps her eyes open.
NICEMIS
Yes-one of them.
SPARKEION
Which one.
NICEMIS
The one she doesn't wink with.
SPARKEION
Well, I was engaged to her for six months
and if she still makes eyes at me,
you must attribute it to force of habit.
Besides-remember-we are only half-married at present.
NICEMIS
I suppose you mean that you are going
to treat me as shamefully as you treated her.
Very well, break it off if you like.
I shall not offer any objection.
Thespis used to be very attentive to me.
I'd just as soon be a manager's wife
as a fifth- rate actor's.
(Chorus heard, at first below, then enter Daphne,
Pretteia, Preposteros, Stupidas, Tipseion, Cymon,
and other members of Thespis's company climbing
over rocks at back. All carry small baskets.)
CHORUS
(with dance)
Climbing over rocky mountain
Skipping rivulet and fountain,
Passing where the willows quiver
By the ever rolling river,
Swollen with the summer rain.
Threading long and leafy mazes,
Dotted with unnumbered daisies,
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hearty lads and lasses,
Til the mountain-top they gain.
FIRST VOICE.
Fill the cup and tread the measure
Make the most of fleeting leisure.
Hail it as a true ally
Though it perish bye and bye.
SECOND VOICE.
Every moment brings a treasure
Of its own especial pleasure,
Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly.
THIRD VOICE.
Far away from grief and care,
High up in the mountain air,
Let us live and reign alone,
In a world that's all our own.
FOURTH VOICE.
Here enthroned in the sky,
Far away from mortal eye,
We'll be gods and make decrees,
Those may honor them who please.
CHORUS
Fill the cup and tread the measure...etc.
(After Chorus and Couples enter,
Thespis climbing over rocks)
THESPIS
Bless you, my people, bless you.
Let the revels commence. After all, for thorough,
unconstrained unconventional enjoyment give me a picnic.
PREPOSTEROS
(very gloomily)
Give him a picnic, somebody.
THESPIS
Be quiet, Preposteros. Don't interrupt.
PREPOSTEROS
Ha. Ha. Shut up again. But no matter.
(Stupidas endeavors, in pantomime, to reconcile him.
Throughout the scene Preposteros shows symptoms
of breaking out into a furious passion,
and Stupidas does all he can to pacify and restrain him.)
THESPIS
The best of a picnic is that everybody contributes
what he pleases, and nobody knows
what anybody else has brought til the last moment.
Now, unpack everybody and let's see
what there is for everybody.
NICEMIS
I have brought you-a bottle
of soda water-for the claret- cup.
DAPHNE
I have brought you-lettuce for the lobster salad.
SPARKEION
A piece of ice-for the claret-cup.
PRETTEIA
A bottle of vinegar-for the lobster salad.
CYMON.
A bunch of burrage for the claret-cup.
TIPSEIDON
A hard boiled egg-for the lobster salad.
STUPIDAS
One lump of sugar for the claret-cup.
PREPOSTEROS
He has brought one lump
of sugar for the claret-cup? Ha. Ha. Ha.
(laughing melodramatically)
STUPIDAS
Well, Preposteros, what have you brought?
PREPOSTEROS
I have brought two lumps
of the very best salt for the lobster salad.
THESPIS
Oh-is that all?
PREPOSTEROS
All. Ha. Ha. He asks if it is all.
(Stup. consoles him)
THESPIS
But, I say-this is capital so far as it goes.
Nothing could be better, but it doesn't go far enough.
The claret, for instance. I don't insist on claret-or
a lobster-I don't insist on lobster, but a lobster salad
without a lobster, why it isn't lobster salad.
Here, Tipseion.
TIPSEIDON
(a very drunken, bloated fellow, dressed, however,
with scrupulous accuracy and wearing
a large medal around his neck)
My master.
(Falls on his knees to Thes. and kisses his robe.)
THESPIS
Get up-don't be a fool. Where's the claret?
We arranged last week that you were to see to that.
TIPSEIDON
True, dear master. But then I was a drunkard.
THESPIS
You were.
TIPSEIDON
You engaged me to play convivial parts
on the strength of my personal appearance.
THESPIS
I did.
TIPSEIDON
Then you found that my habits interfered
with my duties as low comedian.
THESPIS
True.
TIPSEIDON
You said yesterday that unless
I took the pledge you would dismiss me
from your company.
THESPIS
Quite so.
TIPSEIDON
Good. I have taken it.
It is all I have taken since yesterday.
My preserver.
(embraces him)
THESPIS
Yes, but where's the wine?
TIPSEIDON
I left it behind that I might not be tempted
to violate my pledge.
PREPOSTEROS
Minion.
(Attempts to get at him, is restrained by Stupidas)
THESPIS
Now, Preposteros, what is the matter with you?
PREPOSTEROS
It is enough that I am down-trodden in my profession.
I will not submit to imposition out of it.
It is enough that as your heavy villain
I get the worst of it every night in a combat of six.
I will not submit to insult in the day time.
I have come out. Ha. Ha. to enjoy myself.
THESPIS
But look here, you know-virtue only triumphs
at night from seven to ten-vice gets the best of it
during the other twenty one hours.
Won't that satisfy you?
(Stupidas endeavours to pacify him.)
PREPOSTEROS
(Irritated to Stupidas)
Ye are odious to my sight. Get out of it.
STUPIDAS
(In great terror)
What have I done?
THESPIS
Now what is it. Preposteros, what is it?
PREPOSTEROS
I a - hate him and would have his life.
THESPIS
(to Stup.)
That's it-he hates you and would have
your life. Now go and be merry.
STUPIDAS
Yes, but why does he hate me?
THESPIS
Oh-exactly.
(to Preposteros)
Why do you hate him?
PREPOSTEROS
Because he is a minion.
THESPIS
He hates you because you are a minion.
It explains itself. Now go and enjoy yourselves.
Ha. Ha. It is well for those who can laugh-let them
do so-there is no extra charge.
The light- hearted cup and the convivial jest
for them-but for me-what is there for me?
SILLIMON
There is some claret-cup and lobster salad
(handing some)
THESPIS
(taking it)
Thank you.
(Resuming)
What is there for me but anxiety-ceaseless gnawing anxiety
that tears at my very vitals and rends my peace of mind asunder?
There is nothing whatever for me but anxiety of the nature
I have just described. The charge of these thoughtless revellers is
my unhappy lot. It is not a small charge,
and it is rightly termed a lot because there are many.
Oh why did the gods make me a manager?
SILLIMON
(as guessing a riddle)
Why did the gods make him a manager?
SPARKEION
Why did the gods make him a manager.
DAPHNE
Why did the gods make him a manager?
PRETTEIA
Why did the gods make him a manager?
THESPIS
No-no-what are you talking about?
What do you mean?
DAPHNE
I've got it-no don't tell us.
ALL.
No-no-because-because
THESPIS
(annoyed)
It isn't a conundrum.
It's misanthropical question.
DAPHNE
(Who is sitting with Spar. to the annoyance of Nice. who is crying alone)
I'm sure I don't know. We do not want you.
Don't distress yourself on our account-we are getting
on very comfortably-aren't we Sparkeion.
SPARKEION
We are so happy that we don't miss the lobster or the claret.
What are lobster and claret compared
with the society of those we love?
(embracing Daphne.)
DAPHNE
Why, Nicemis, love, you are eating nothing.
Aren't you happy dear?
NICEMIS
(spitefully)
You are quite welcome to my share of everything.
I intend to console myself with the society of my manager.
(takes Thespis' arm affectionately).
THESPIS
Here I say-this won't do, you know-I can't allow it-at least
before my company-besides, you are half-married to Sparkeion.
Sparkeion, here's your half-wife impairing
my influence before my company.
Don't you know the story of the gentleman
who undermined his influence by associating with his inferiors?
ALL.
Yes, yes-we know it.
PREPOSTEROS
(formally)
I do not know it. It's ever thus.
Doomed to disappointment from my earliest years.
(Stupidas endeavours to console him)
THESPIS
There-that's enough. Preposteros-you shall hear it.
I once knew a chap who discharged a function
On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction.
He was conspicuous exceeding,
For his affable ways, and his easy breeding.
Although a chairman of directions,
He was hand in glove with the ticket inspectors.
He tipped the guards with brand new fivers,
And sang little songs to the engine drivers.
'Twas told to me with great compunction,
By one who had discharged with unction
A chairman of directors function
On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction.
Fol diddle, lol diddle, lol lol lay.
Each Christmas day he gave each stoker
A silver shovel and a golden poker.
He'd button holw flowers for the ticket sorters
And rich Bath-buns for the outside porters.
He'd moun the clerks on his first-class hunters,
And he build little villas for the road-side shunters,
And if any were fond of pigeon shooting,
He'd ask them down to his place at Tooting.
Twas told to me....etc.
In course of time there spread a rumour
That he did all this from a sense of humour.
So instead of signalling and stoking,
They gave themselves up to a course of joking.
Whenever they knew that he was riding,
They shunted his train on a lonely siding,
Or stopped all night in the middle of a tunnel,
On the plea that the boiler was a-coming through the funnel.
Twas told to me...etc.
It he wished to go to Perth or Stirling,
His train through several counties whirling,
Would set him down in a fit of larking,
At four a.m. in the wilds of Barking.
This pleased his whim and seemed to strike it,
But the general public did not like it.
The receipts fell, after a few repeatings,
And he got it hot at the annual meetings.
Twas told to me...etc.
He followed out his whim with vigour,
The shares went down to a nominal figure.
These are the sad results proceeding
From his affable ways and his easy breeding.
The line, with its rais and guards and peelers,
Was sold for a song to marine store dealers
The shareholders are all in the work'us,
And he sells pipe-lights in the Regent Circus.
Twas told to me...etc.
It's very hard. As a man I am naturally of an easy disposition.
As a manager, I am compelled to hold myself aloof,
that my influence may not be deteriorated.
As a man I am inclined to fraternize
with the pauper-as a manager I am compelled
to walk around like this:
Don't know yah. Don't know yah. Don't know yah.
(Strides haughtily about the stage. Jupiter,
Mars, and Apollo, in full Olympian costume appear
on the three broken columns. Thespians scream.)
JUPITER, MARS, APOLLO
Presumptuous mortal.
THESPIS
Don't know ya. Don't know yah.
JUPITER, MARS, APOLLO
(seated on broken pillars)
Presumptuous mortal.
THESPIS
I do not know you. I do not know you.
JUPITER, MARS, APOLLO
Presumptuous mortal.
THESPIS
Remove this person.
(Stup and Prep seize Ap and Mars)
JUPITER
Stop, you evidently don't know me.
Allow me to offer you my card.
(Throws flash paper)
THESPIS
Ah yes, it's very pretty, but we don't want any at present.
When we do our Christmas piece, I'll let you know.
(Changing his manner)
Look here, you know this is a private party
and we haven't the pleasure of your acquaintance.
There are a good many other mountains about,
if you must have a mountain all to yourself.
Don't make me let myself down before my company.
(Resuming)
Don't know yah, Don't know yah.
JUPITER
I am Jupiter, the king of the gods.
This is Apollo. This is Mars.
(All kneel to them except Thespis)
THESPIS
Oh. Then as I'm a respectable man,
and rather particular about the company
I keep, I think I'll go.
JUPITER
No-no-stop a bit. We want to consult you
on a matter of great importance.
There. Now we are alone. Who are you?
THESPIS
I am Thespis of the Thessalian Theatres.
JUPITER
The very man we want. Now as a judge
of what the public likes are you impressed
with my appearance as father of the gods?
THESPIS
Well to be candid with you, I am not.
In fact I'm disappointed.
JUPITER
Disappointed?
THESPIS
Yes, you see you're so much out of repair.
No, you don't come up to my idea of the part.
Bless you, I've played you often.
JUPITER
You have.
THESPIS
To be sure I have.
JUPITER
And how have you dressed the part.
THESPIS
Fine commanding party in the prime of life.
Thunderbolt- full beard-dignified manner-a good eal
of this sort of thin "Don't know ya.
Don't know yah. Don't know yah.
JUPITER
(much affected)
I-I'm very much obliged to you.
It's very good of you. I-I-I used to be like that.
I can't tell you how much I feel it.
And do you find I'm an impressive character to play?
THESPIS
Well no, I can't say you are.
In fact we don't you you much out of burlesque.
JUPITER
Burlesque!
THESPIS
Yes, it's a painful subject, drop it, drop it.
The fact is, you are not the gods
you were-you're behind your age.
JUPITER
Well, but what are we to do?
We feel that we ought to do something,
but we don't know what.
THESPIS
Why don't you all go down to earth, incog,
mingle with the world, hear and see what people think of you,
and judge for yourselves as to the best means
to take to restore your influence?
JUPITER
Ah, but what's to become
of Olympus in the meantime?
THESPIS
Lor' bless you, don't distress yourself about that.
I've a very good company, used to take long parts
on the shortest notice.
Invest us with your powers
and we'll fill your places till you return.
JUPITER
(aside)
The offer is tempting.
But suppose you fail?
THESPIS
Fail. Oh, we never fail in our profession.
We've nothing but great successes.
JUPITER
Then it's a bargain.
THESPIS
It's a bargain.
(they shake hands on it)
JUPITER
And that you may not be entirely without assistance,
we will leave you Mercury and whenever you find yourself
in a difficulty you can consult him.
(enter Mercury)
JUPITER
So that's arranged-you take my place, my boy,
While we make trial of a new existence.
At length I will be able to enjoy
The pleasures I have envied from a distance.
MERCURY
Compelled upon Olympus here to stop,
While the other gods go down to play the hero.
Don't be surprised if on this mountain top
You find your Mercury is down at zero.
APOLLO
To earth away to join in mortal acts.
And gather fresh materials to write on.
Investigate more closely, several facts,
That I for centuries have thrown some light on.
DIANA
I, as the modest moon with crescent bow.
Have always shown a light to nightly scandal,
I must say I'd like to go below,
And find out if the game is worth the candle.
(enter all thespians, summoned by Mercury)
MERCURY
Here come your people.
THESPIS
People better now.
While mighty Jove goes down below
With all the other deities.
I fill his place and wear his "clo,"
The very part for me it is.
To mother earth to make a track,
They are all spurred and booted, too.
And you will fill, till they come back,
The parts you best are suited to.
CHORUS
Here's a pretty tale for future Iliads and Odysseys
Mortals are about to personate the gods and goddesses.
Now to set the world in order, we will work in unity.
Jupiter's perplexity is Thespis's opportunity.
SPARKEION
Phoebus am I, with golden ray,
The god of day, the god of day.
When shadowy night has held her sway,
I make the goddesses fly.
Tis mine the task to wake the world,
In slumber curled, in slumber curled.
By me her charms are all unfurled
The god of day am I.
CHORUS
The god of day, the god of day,
The park shall our Sparkeion play,
Ha Ha, etc.
The rarest fun and rarest fare
That ever fell to mortal share
Ha ha etc.
NICEMIS
I am the moon, the lamp of night.
I show a light - I show a light.
With radiant sheen I put to flight
The shadows of the sky.
By my fair rays, as you're aware,
Gay lovers swear-gay lovers swear,
While greybeards sleep away their care,
The lamp of night am I.
CHORUS
The lamp of night-the lamp of night.
Nicemis plays, to her delight.
Ha Ha Ha Ha.
The rarest fun and rarest fare,
That ever fell to mortal share,
Ha Ha Ha Ha
TIMIDON
Mighty old Mars, the god of war,
I'm destined for-I'm destined for.
A terribly famous conqueror,
With sword upon his thigh.
When armies meet with eager shout
And warlike rout, and warlike rout,
You'll find me there without a doubt.
The God of War am I.
CHORUS
The god of war, the god of war
Great Timidon is destined for.
Ha Ha Ha Ha
The rest fun and rarest fare
That ever fell to mortal share
Ha Ha Ha Ha
DAPHNE
When, as the fruit of warlike deeds,
The soldier bleed, the soldier bleeds,
Calliope crowns heroic deeds,
With immortality.
From mere oblivion I reclaim
The soldier's name, the soldier's name
And write it on the roll of fame,
The muse of fame am I.
CHORUS
The muse of fame, the muse of fame.
Callipe is Daphne's name.
Ha Ha Ha Ha
The rarest fun and rarest fare,
That ever fell to mortal share.
Ha Ha Ha Ha.
TUTTI.
Here's a pretty tale.
(Enter procession of old Gods,
they come down very much astonished
at all they see, then passing by, ascent the platform
that leads to the descent at the back.)
GODS.
We will go,
Down below,
Revels rare,
We will share.
Ha Ha Ha
With a gay
Holiday
All unknown,
And alone
Ha Ha Ha.
TUTTI.
Here's a pretty tale.
(The gods, including those
who have lately entered in procession group
themselves on rising ground at back.
The Thespians kneeling bid them farewell.)
ACT II
ACT I
ACT II
SCENE - The same scene as in Act I with the exception
that in place of the ruins that filled the foreground of the stage,
the interior of a magnificent temple is seen showing
the background of the scene of Act I, through the columns
of the portico at the back. High throne. L.U.E. Low seats below it.
All the substitute gods and goddesses (that is to say, Thespians)
are discovered grouped in picturesque attitudes about the stage,
eating and drinking, and smoking and singing the following verses.
CHORUS
Of all symposia
The best by half
Upon Olympus, here await us.
We eat ambrosia.
And nectar quaff,
It cheers but don't inebriate us.
We know the fallacies,
Of human food
So please to pass Olympian rosy,
We built up palaces,
Where ruins stood,
And find them much more snug and cosy.
SILLIMON
To work and think, my dear,
Up here would be,
The height of conscientious folly.
So eat and drink, my dear,
I like to see,
Young people gay-young people jolly.
Olympian food my love,
I'll lay long odds,
Will please your lips-those rosy portals,
What is the good, my love
Of being gods,
If we must work like common mortals?
CHORUS
Of all symposia...etc.
(Exeunt all but Nicemis,
who is dressed as Diana and Pretteia,
who is dressed as Venus.
They take Sillimon's arm and bring him down)
SILLIMON
Bless their little hearts, I can refuse them nothing.
As the Olympian stage-manager I ought to be strict
with them and make them do their duty, but i can't.
Bless their little hearts, when I see the pretty little craft come sailing up
to me with a wheedling smile on their pretty little figure-heads,
I can't turn my back on 'em. I'm all bow, though I'm sure I try to be stern.
PRETTEIA
You certainly are a dear old thing.
SILLIMON
She says I'm a dear old thing.
Deputy Venus says I'm a dear old thing.
NICEMIS
It's her affectionate habit to describe everybody in those terms.
I am more particular, but still even I am bound to admit
that you are certainly a very dear old thing.
SILLIMON
Deputy Venus says I'm a dear old thing,
and Deputy Diana who is much more particular, endorses it.
Who could be severe with such deputy divinities.
PRETTEIA
Do you know, I'm going to ask you a favour.
SILLIMON
Venus is going to ask me a favour.
PRETTEIA
You see, I am Venus.
SILLIMON
No one who saw your face would doubt it.
NICEMIS
(aside)
No one who knew her character would.
PRETTEIA
Well Venus, you know, is married to Mars.
SILLIMON
To Vulcan, my dear, to Vulcan.
The exact connubial relation of the different gods
and goddesses is a point on which
we must be extremely particular.
PRETTEIA
I beg your pardon-Venus is married to Mars.
NICEMIS
If she isn't married to Mars, she ought to be.
SILLIMON
Then that decides it-call it married to Mars.
PRETTEIA
Married to Vulcan or married to Mars,
what does it signify?
SILLIMON
My dear, it's a matter on which I have
no personal feeling whatever.
PRETTEIA
So that she is married to someone.
SILLIMON
Exactly. So that she is married to someone.
Call it married to Mars.
PRETTEIA
Now here's my difficulty. Presumptios takes
the place of Mars, and Presumptios is my father.
SILLIMON
Then why object to Vulcan?
PRETTEIA
Because Vulcan is my grandfather.
SILLIMON
But, my dear, what an objection.
You are playing a part till the real gods return.
That's all. Whether you are supposed to be married
to your father-or your grandfather, what does it matter?
This passion for realism is the curse of the stage.
PRETTEIA
That's all very well, but I can't throw myself into a part
that has already lasted a twelvemonth,
when I have to make love to my father.
It interferes with my conception of the characters.
It spoils the part.
SILLIMON
Well, well. I'll see what can be done.
(Exit Pretteia, L.U.E.)
That's always the way with beginners,
they've no imaginative power.
A true artist ought to be superior to such considerations.
(Nicemis comes down R.)
Well, Nicemis, I should say, Diana,
what's wrong with you? Don't you like your part?
NICEMIS
Oh, immensely. It's great fun.
SILLIMON
Don't you find it lonely out by yourself all night?
NICEMIS
Oh, but I'm not alone all night.
SILLIMON
But, I don't want to ask any injudicious questions,
but who accompanies you?
NICEMIS
Who? Why Sparkeion, of course.
SILLIMON
Sparkeion?
Well, but Sparkeion is Phoebus Apollo
(enter Sparkeion)
He's the sun, you know.
NICEMIS
Of course he is.
I should catch my death of cold, in the night air,
if he didn't accompany me.
SPARKEION
My dear Sillimon, it would never do for a young lady
to be out alone all night. It wouldn't be respectable.
SILLIMON
There's a good deal of truth in that.
But still-the sun- at night-I don't like the idea.
The original Diana always went out alone.
NICEMIS
I hope the original Diana is no rule for me.
After all, what does it matter?
SILLIMON
To be sure-what does it matter?
SPARKEION
The sun at night, or in the daytime.
SILLIMON
So that he shines. That's all that's necessary.
(Exit Nicemis, R.U.E.)
But poor Daphne, what will she say to this.
SPARKEION
Oh, Daphne can console herself;
young ladies soon get over this sort of thing.
Did you never hear of the young lady
who was engaged to Cousin Robin?
SILLIMON
Never.
SPARKEION
Then I'll sing it to you.
Little maid of Arcadee
Sat on Cousin Robin's knee,
Thought in form and face and limb,
Nobody could rival him.
He was brave and she was fair,
Truth they made a pretty paid.
Happy little maiden she-
Happy maid of Arcadee.
Moments fled as moments will
Happily enough, until
After, say, a month or two,
Robin did as Robins do.
Weary of his lover's play,
Jilted her and went away,
Wretched little maiden, she-
Wretched maid of Arcadee.
To her little home she crept,
There she sat her down and wept,
Maiden wept as maidens will-
Grew so thin and pale-until
Cousin Richard came to woo.
Then again the roses grew.
Happy little maiden she-
Happy maid of Arcadee.
(Exit Sparkeion)
SILLIMON
Well Mercury, my boy,
you've had a year's experience of us here.
How do we do it? I think we're rather an improvement
on the original gods-don't you?
MERCURY
Well, you see, there's a good deal to be said
on both sides of the question; you are certainly younger
than the original gods, and, therefore, more active.
On the other hand, they are certainly older than you,
and have, therefore, more experience.
On the whole I prefer you, because your mistakes amuse me.
Olympus is now in a terrible muddle,
The deputy deities all are at fault
They splutter and splash like a pig in a puddle
And dickens a one of 'em's earning his salt.
For Thespis as Jove is a terrible blunder,
Too nervous and timid-too easy and weak-
Whenever he's called on to lighten or thunder,
The thought of it keeps him awake for a week.
Then mighty Mars hasn't the pluck of a parrot.
When left in the dark he will quiver and quail;
And Vulcan has arms that would snap like a carrot,
Before he could drive in a tenpenny nail.
Then Venus's freckles are very repelling,
And Venus should not have a quint in her eyes;
The learned Minerva is weak in her spelling,
And scatters her h's all over the skies.
Then Pluto in kindhearted tenderness erring,
Can't make up his mind to let anyone die-
The Times has a paragraph ever recurring,
"Remarkable incidence of longevity."
On some it has some as a serious onus,
to others it's quite an advantage-in short,
While ev're life office declares a big bonus,
The poor undertakers are all in the court.
Then Cupid, the rascal, forgetting his trade is
To make men and women impartially smart,
Will only shoot at pretty young ladies,
And never takes aim at a bachelor's heart.
The results of this freak-or whatever you term it-
Should cover the wicked young scamp with disgrace,
While ev'ry young man is as shy as a hermit,
Young ladies are popping all over the place.
This wouldn't much matter-for bashful and shymen,
When skillfully handled are certain to fall,
But, alas, that determined young bachelor Hymen
Refuses to wed anybody at all.
He swears that Love's flame is the vilest of arsons,
And looks upon marriage as quite a mistake;
Now what in the world's to become of the parsons,
And what of the artist who sugars the cake?
In short, you will see from the facts that I'm showing,
The state of the case is exceedingly sad;
If Thespis's people go on as they're going,
Olympus will certainly go to the bad.
From Jupiter downward there isn't a dab in it,
All of 'em quibble and shuffle and shirk,
A premier in Downing Street forming a cabinet,
Couldn't find people less fit for their work.
(enter Thespis L.U.E.)
THESPIS
Sillimon, you can retire.
SILLIMON
Sir, I-
THESPIS
Don't pretend you can't when I say you can. I've seen you do it-go.
(exit Sillimon bowing extravagantly. Thespis imitates him)
Well, Mercury, I've been in power one year today.
MERCURY
One year today. How do you like ruling the world?
THESPIS
Like it. Why it's as straightforward as possible.
Why there hasn't been a hitch of any kind since we came up here.
Lor' the airs you gods and goddesses give yourselves are perfectly sickening.
Why it's mere child's play.
MERCURY
Very simple isn't it?
THESPIS
Simple? Why I could do it on my head.
MERCURY
Ah-I darsay you will do it on your head very soon.
THESPIS
What do you mean by that, Mercury?
MERCURY
I mean that when you've turned the world quite topsy-turvy
you won't know whether you're standing on your head or your heels.
THESPIS
Well, but Mercury, it's all right at present.
MERCURY
Oh yes-as far as we know.
THESPIS
Well, but, you know, we know as much as anybody knows;
you know I believe the world's still going on.
MERCURY
Yes-as far as we can judge-much as usual.
THESPIS
Well, the, give the Father of the Drama his due Mercury.
Don't be envious of the Father of the Drama.
MERCURY
But you see you leave so much to accident.
THESPIS
Well, Mercury, if I do, it's my principle.
I am an easy man, and I like
to make things as pleasant as possible.
What did I do the day we took office?
Why I called the company together and I said to them:
"Here we are, you know, gods and goddesses,
no mistake about it, the real thing.
Well, we have certain duties to discharge,
let's discharge them intelligently.
Don't let us be hampered by routine
and red tape and precedent,
let's set the original gods an example,
and put a liberal interpretation on our duties.
If it occurs to any one to try
an experiment in his own department,
let him try it, if he fails there's no harm done,
if he succeeds it is a distinct gain to society.
Don't hurry your work, do it slowly and well."
And here we are after a twelvemonth
and not a single complaint or a single petition has reached me.
MERCURY
No, not yet.
THESPIS
What do you mean by "no,not yet?"
MERCURY
Well, you see, you don't understand things.
All the petitions that are addressed by men to Jupiter
pass through my hands, and its my duty to collect them
and present them once a year.
THESPIS
Oh, only once a year?
MERCURY
Only once a year-
THESPIS
And the year is up?
MERCURY
Today.
THESPIS
Oh, then I suppose
there are some complaints?
MERCURY
Yes, there are some.
THESPIS
(Disturbed)
Oh, perhaps there are a good many?
MERCURY
There are a good many.
THESPIS
Oh, perhaps there are a thundering lot?
MERCURY
There are a thundering lot.
THESPIS
(very much disturbed)
Oh.
MERCURY
You see you've been taking it so very easy-
and so have most of your company.
THESPIS
Oh, who has been taking it easy?
MERCURY
Well, all except those
who have been trying experiments.
THESPIS
Well but I suppose the experiment are ingenious?
MERCURY
Yes; they are ingenious, but on the whole ill-judged.
But it's time go and summon your court.
THESPIS
What for.
MERCURY
To hear the complaints. In five minutes they will be here.
(Exit)
THESPIS
(very uneasy)
I don't know how it is, but there is something
in that young man's manner that suggests
that the father of the gods has been taking it too easy.
Perhaps it would have been better
if I hadn't given my company so much scope.
I wonder what they've been doing.
I think I will curtail their discretion, though none
of them appear to have much of the article.
It seems a pity to deprive 'em of what little they have.
(Enter Daphne, weeping)
THESPIS
Now then, Daphne, what's the matter with you?
DAPHNE
Well, you know how disgracefully Sparkeion-
THESPIS
(correcting her)
Apollo-
DAPHNE
Apollo, then-has treated me.
He promised to marry me years ago
and now he's married to Nicemis.
THESPIS
Now look here. I can't go into that.
You're in Olympus now and must behave accordingly.
Drop your Daphne-assume your Calliope.
DAPHNE
Quite so. That's it.
(mysteriously)
THESPIS
Oh-that is it?
(puzzled)
DAPHNE
That is it. Thespis. I am Calliope, the muse of fame.
Very good. This morning I was in the Olympian library
and I took down the only book there. Here it is.
THESPIS
(taking it)
Lempriere's Classical Dictionary.
The Olympian Peerage.
DAPHNE
Open it at Apollo.
THESPIS
(opens it)
It is done.
DAPHNE
Read.
THESPIS
"Apollo was several times married,
among others to Issa, Bolina, Coronis, Chymene,
Cyrene, Chione, Acacallis, and Calliope."
DAPHNE
And Calliope.
THESPIS
(musing)
Ha. I didn't know he was married to them.
DAPHNE
(severely)
Sir. This is the family edition.
THESPIS
Quite so.
DAPHNE
You couldn't expect a lady to read any other?
THESPIS
On no consideration. But in the original version-
DAPHNE
I go by the family edition.
THESPIS
Then by the family edition,
Apollo is your husband.
(Enter Nicemis and Sparkeion)
NICEMIS
Apollo your husband?
He is my husband.
DAPHNE
I beg your pardon.
He is my husband.
NICEMIS
Apollo is Sparkeion,
and he's married to me.
DAPHNE
Sparkeion is Apollo,
and he's married to me.
NICEMIS
He is my husband.
DAPHNE
He's your brother.
THESPIS
Look here, Apollo, whose husband are you?
Don't let's have any row about it;
whose husband are you?
SPARKEION
Upon my honor I don't know.
I'm in a very delicate position,
but I'll fall in with any arrangement
Thespis may propose.
DAPHNE
I've just found out that he's my husband
and yet he goes out every evening with that "thing."
THESPIS
Perhaps he's trying an experiment.
DAPHNE
I don't like my husband to make such experiments.
The question is, who are we all
and what is our relation to each other.
SPARKEION
You're Diana. I'm Apollo
And Calliope is she.
DAPHNE
He's your brother.
NICEMIS
You're another.
He has fairly married me.
DAPHNE
By the rules of this fair spot
I'm his wife and you are not.
SPAR & DAPHNE
By the rules of this fair spot
I'm/she's his wife and you are not.
NICEMIS
By this golden wedding ring,
I'm his wife, and you're a "thing."
DAPHNE, NICE, SPARKEION
By this golden wedding ring,
I'm/She's his wife and you're a "thing."
ALL.
Please will someone kindly tell us.
Who are our respective kin?
All of us/them are very jealous
Neither of us/them will give in.
NICEMIS
He's my husband, I declare,
I espoused him properlee.
SPARKEION
That is true, for I was there,
And I saw her marry me.
DAPHNE
He's your brother-I'm his wife.
If we go by Lempriere.
SPARKEION
So she is, upon my life.
Really, that seems very fair.
NICEMIS
You're my husband and no other.
SPARKEION
That is true enough I swear.
DAPHNE
I'm his wife, and you're his brother.
SPARKEION
If we go by Lempriere.
NICEMIS
It will surely be unfair,
To decide by Lempriere.
(crying)
DAPHNE
It will surely be quite fair,
To decide by Lempriere.
SPAR & THES
How you settle it I don't care,
Leave it all to Lempriere.
(Spoken)
The Verdict
As Sparkeion is Apollo,
Up in this Olympian clime,
Why, Nicemis, it will follow,
He's her husband, for the time.
(indicating Daphne)
When Sparkeion turns to mortal
Join once more the sons of men.
He may take you to his portal
(indicating Nicemis)
He will be your husband then.
That oh that is my decision,
'Cording to my mental vision,
Put an end to all collision,
My decision, my decision.
ALL.
That oh that is his decision. etc.
(Exeunt Thes, Nice., Spar. and Daphne, Spar.
with Daphne, Nicemis weeping with Thespis.
mysterious music.
Enter Jupiter, Apollo and Mars from below,
at the back of stage. All wear cloaks,
as disguise and all are masked)
JUPITER, APOLLO, MARS.
Oh rage and fury, Oh shame and sorrow.
We'll be resuming our ranks tomorrow.
Since from Olympus we have departed,
We've been distracted and brokenhearted,
Oh wicked Thespis. Oh villain scurvy.
Through him Olympus is topsy turvy.
Compelled to silence to grin and bear it.
He's caused our sorrow, and he shall share it.
Where is the monster. Avenge his blunders.
He has awakened Olympian thunders.
(Enter Mercury)
JUPITER
Oh monster.
APOLLO
Oh monster.
MARS.
Oh monster.
MERCURY
(in great terror)
Please sir, what have I done, sir?
JUPITER
What did we leave you behind for?
MERCURY
Please sir, that's the question
I asked for when you went away.
JUPITER
Was it not that Thespis might consult
you whenever he was in a difficulty?
MERCURY
Well, here I've been ready to be consulted,
chockful of reliable information-running over
with celestial maxims-advice gratis ten to four-after twelve ring
the night bell in cases of emergency.
JUPITER
And hasn't he consulted you?
MERCURY
Not he-he disagrees with me about everything.
JUPITER
He must have misunderstood me.
I told him to consult you whenever he was in a fix.
MERCURY
He must have though you said in-sult.
Why whenever I opened my mouth he jumps down my throat.
It isn't pleasant to have a fellow constantly jumping down
your throat-especially when he always disagrees with you.
It's just the sort of thing I can't digest.
JUPITER
(in a rage)
Send him here. I'll talk to him.
(enter Thespis. He is much terrified)
JUPITER
Oh monster.
APOLLO
Oh monster.
MARS.
Oh monster.
(Thespis sings in great terror,
which he endeavours to conceal)
JUPITER
Well sir, the year is up today.
APOLLO
And a nice mess you've made of it.
MARS.
You've deranged the whole scheme of society.
THESPIS
(aside)
There's going to be a row.
(aloud and very familiarly)
My dear boy, I do assure you-
JUPITER
Be respectful.
APOLLO
Be respectful.
MARS.
Be respectful.
THESPIS
I don't know what you allude to.
With the exception of getting our scene painter to "run up" this temple,
because we found the ruins draughty, we haven't touched a thing.
JUPITER
Oh story teller.
APOLLO
Oh story teller.
MARS.
Oh story teller.
(Enter Thespis)
THESPIS
My dear fellows, you're distressing yourselves unnecessarily.
The court of Olympus is about to assemble to listen
to the complaints of the year, if any.
But there are none, or next to none.
Let the Olympians assemble.
(Thespis takes chair. JUPITER, APOLLO,
and MARS sit below him.)
Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that it is usual
for the gods to assemble once a year to listen to mortal petitions.
It doesn't seem to me to be a good plan,
as work is liable to accumulate;
but as I am particularly anxious not to interfere
with Olympian precedent, but to allow everything
to go on as it has always been accustomed to go-why,
we'll say no more about it.
(aside)
But how shall I account for your presence?
JUPITER
Say we are the gentlemen of the press.
THESPIS
That all our proceedings may be perfectly open
and above-board I have communicated
with the most influential members of the Athenian press,
and I beg to introduce to your notice three
of its most distinguished members.
They bear marks emblematic
of the anonymous character of modern journalism.
(Business of introduction. Thespis is very uneasy)
Now then, if you're all ready we will begin.
MERCURY
(brings tremendous bundle of petitions)
Here is the agenda.
THESPIS
What's that? The petitions?
MERCURY
Some of them.
(opens one and reads)
Ah, I thought there'd be a row about it.
THESPIS
Why, what's wrong now?
MERCURY
Why, it's been a foggy Friday in November
for the last six months and the Athenians are tired of it.
THESPIS
There's no pleasing some people.
This craving for perpetual change is the curse of the country.
Friday's a very nice day.
MERCURY
So it is, but a Friday six months long.-it gets monotonous.
JUPITER, APOLLO, MARS.
(rising)
It's perfectly ridiculous.
THESPIS
(calling them)
Cymon.
CYMON
(as time with the usual attributes)
Sir.
THESPIS
(Introducing him to the three gods)
Allow me-Father Time- rather young
at present but even time must have a beginning.
In course of time, time will grow older.
Now then, Father Time, what's this about a wet Friday
in November for the last six months.
CYMON
Well, the fact is, I've been trying an experiment.
Seven days in the week is an awkward number.
It can't be halved. Two;'s into seven won't go.
THESPIS
(tries it on his fingers)
Quite so-quite so.
CYMON
So I abolished Saturday.
JUPITER, APOLLO, MARS.
Oh but.
(Rising)
THESPIS
Do be quiet. He's a very intelligent young man
and knows what he is about. So you abolished Saturday.
And how did you find it answer?
CYMON
Admirably.
THESPIS
You hear?
He found it answer admirably.
CYMON
Yes, only Sunday refused to take its place.
THESPIS
Sunday refused to take its place?
CYMON
Sunday comes after Saturday-Sunday
won't go on duty after Friday.
Sunday's principles are very strict.
That's where my experiment sticks.
THESPIS
Well, but why November?
Come, why November?
CYMON
December can't begin until November has finished.
November can't finish because he's abolished Saturday.
There again my experiment sticks.
THESPIS
Well, but why wet?
Come now, why wet?
CYMON
Ah, that is your fault. You turned on the rain six months ago
and you forgot to turn it off again.
JUPITER, APOLLO, MARS.
(rising)
On this is monstrous.
ALL.
Order. Order.
THESPIS
Gentlemen, pray be seated.
(to the others)
The liberty of the press, one can't help it.
(to the three gods)
It is easily settled. Athens has had
a wet Friday in November for the last six months.
Let them have a blazing Tuesday
in July for the next twelve.
JUPITER, APOLLO, MARS.
But-
ALL.
Order. Order.
THESPIS
Now then, the next article.
MERCURY
Here's a petition from the Peace Society.
They complain because there are no more battles.
MARS.
(springing up)
What.
THESPIS
Quiet there.
Good dog-soho; Timidon.
TIMIDON
(as Mars)
Here.
THESPIS
What's this about there being no battles?
TIMIDON
I've abolished battles; it's an experiment.
MARS.
(spring up)
Oh come, I say-
THESPIS
Quiet then.
(to Tim)
Abolished battles?
TIMIDON
Yes, you told us on taking office to remember two things.
To try experiments and to take it easy.
I found I couldn't take it easy while there are
any battles to attend to,
so I tried the experiment and abolished battles.
And then I took it easy.
The Peace Society ought to be very much obliged to me.
THESPIS
Obliged to you. Why, confound it.
Since battles have been abolished, war is universal.
TIMIDON
War is universal?
THESPIS
To be sure it is. Now that nations can't fight,
no two of 'em are on speaking terms.
The dread of fighting was the only thing
that kept them civil to each other.
Let battles be restored and peace reign supreme.
MERCURY
Here's a petition from the associated
wine merchants of Mytilene?
Are there no grapes this year?
THESPIS
Well, what's wrong
with the associated wine merchants of Mytilene?
Are there no grapes this year?
THESPIS
Plenty of grapes. More than usual.
THESPIS
(to the gods)
You observe, there is no deception.
There are more than usual.
MERCURY
There are plenty of grapes,
only they are full of ginger beer.
THREE GODS.
Oh, come I say
(rising they are put down by Thespis.)
THESPIS
Eh? what
(much alarmed)
Bacchus.
TIPSEIDON
(as Bacchus)
Here.
THESPIS
There seems to be something unusual
with the grapes of Mytilene.
They only grow ginger beer.
TIPSEIDON
And a very good thing too.
THESPIS
It's very nice in its way but it is not
what one looks for from grapes.
TIPSEIDON
Beloved master, a week before we came up here,
you insisted on my taking the pledge.
By so doing you rescued me from my otherwise inevitable misery.
I cannot express my thanks. Embrace me.
(attempts to embrace him.)
THESPIS
Get out, don't be a fool. Look here,
you know you're the god of wine.
TIPSEIDON
I am.
THESPIS
(very angry)
Well, do you consider it consistent
with your duty as the god of wine to make the grapes yield
nothing but ginger beer?
TIPSEIDON
Do you consider it consistent with my duty
as a total abstainer to grow anything stronger
than ginger beer?
THESPIS
But your duty as the god of wine-
TIPSEIDON
In every respect in which my duty as the god
of wine can be discharged consistently
with my duty as a total abstainer,
I will discharge it. But when the functions clash,
everything must give way to the pledge.
My preserver.
(Attempts to embrace him)
THESPIS
Don't be a confounded fool. This can be arranged.
We can't give over the wine this year, but at least
we can improve the ginger beer.
Let all the ginger beer be extracted from it immediately.
THREE GODS.
We can't stand this,
We can't stand this.
It's much too strong.
We can't stand this.
It would be wrong.
Extremely wrong.
If we stood this.
If we stand this
If we stand this
We can't stand this.
DAPHNE, SPAR., NICEMIS
Great Jove, this interference.
Is more than we can stand;
Of them make a clearance,
With your majestic hand.
JUPITER.
This cool audacity, it beats us hollow.
I'm Jupiter.
MARS.
I'm Mars.
APOLLO
I'm Apollo.
(Enter Diana and all the other gods and goddesses.
ALL.
(kneeling with their foreheads on the ground)
Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo
Have quitted the dwellings of men;
The other gods quickly will follow.
And what will become of us then.
Oh pardon us, Jove and Apollo,
Pardon us, Jupiter, Mars:
Oh see us in misery wallow.
Cursing our terrible stars.
(enter other gods.)
ALL THESPIANS:
Let us remain, we beg of you pleadingly.
THREE GODS:
Let them remain, they beg of us pleadingly.
THESPIS
Life on Olympus suits us exceedingly.
GODS.
Life on Olympus suits them exceedingly.
THESPIS
Let us remain, we pray in humility.
GODS.
Let 'em remain, they pray in humility.
THESPIS
If we have shown some little ability.
GODS.
If they have shown some little ability.
Let us remain, etc...
JUPITER
Enough, your reign is ended.
Upon this sacred hill.
Let him be apprehended
And learn out awful will.
Away to earth, contemptible comedians,
And hear our curse, before we set you free'
You shall be all be eminent tragedians,
Whom no one ever goes to see.
ALL.
We go to earth, contemptible tragedians,
We hear his curse, before he sets us free,
We shall all be eminent tragedians,
Whom no one ever, ever goes to see.
SILL, SPAR, THESPIS
Whom no one
Ever goes to see.
(The thespians are driven away by the gods,
who group themselves in attitudes of triumph.)
THESPIS
Now, here you see the arrant folly
Of doing your best to make things jolly.
I've ruled the world like a chap in his senses,
Observe the terrible consequences.
Great Jupiter, whom nothing pleases,
Splutters and swears, and kicks up breezes,
And sends us home in a mood avengin'
In double quick time, like a railroad engine.
And this he does without compunction,
Because I have discharged with unction
A highly complicated function
Complying with his own injunction,
Fol, lol, lay
CHORUS
All this he does....etc.
(The gods drive the thespians away.
The thespians prepare to descent the mountain
as the curtain falls.
T h e E n d
ACT I
ACT II
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